A lot happens in life that can disrupt daily routines. As I sit out on the balcony of my apartment, a place I have only lived in for 21 days, I see a lot going on. I see kids playing between the buildings, people coming and going, and sounds of ambulances (I live close to the hospital).
I stop to wonder what would happen if any of these people where to have experienced what I’ve experienced? Would they be able to handle it or would they breakdown in grief and dismay? I don’t like to talk about what I’ve been through that much, but maybe I should. That’s a conversation for another time though.
My point is that sometimes I look at the people going on about their day and I wonder. Will I ever have a routine again? I mean as soon as I was getting into a routine from the first disruption, I was hit with the second one. Most people don’t understand how much I miss the mundane, doing the same thing over and over everyday would be a welcomed change to the amount of paperwork, phone calls, and uncertainty that I deal with. It’s sounds like a desk job but in reality it’s a me just picking up the pieces from everything that has happen. I am to the point that I hate phone calls and people coming to my door, those two things cause so much anxiety for me that I come close to just shutting down. I just can’t afford anymore bad news, that I’ve become an introvert that is starting to borderline on recluse. I’m sure that if I were to drop dead I would still have anxiety, yet what can I do about it?
I have to take care of my children and move forward to show them that you can’t let a little hardship define you and bring you down. I brave on for them. Maybe someday I will figure out how to deal with this anxiety, and when that time comes
maybe than I will be able to relax.