Dear Angela,

447EC9C1-F963-4425-9F13-F0FCD2903842

Yesterday was Mothers Day, I went and spent some time with Liam. He fills me with an emotion that I can’t even begin to define. Love, pride, woe and happiness, all wrapped in one.

He is getting so big, and he is the happiest baby I have ever seen! I joked with Zack about how big his ears are (something that he got from you) they stick out so much. I’m afraid that he might just take off in the Oklahoma wind.

I’m glad that you did at least get to see him before the end, but I wish you could have held him at least once. You both deserved to have felt each other, even if for a moment. I promise that he will know how great of a mother you were and how much you wanted him in our lives.

I know that he will see a lot of you in his siblings and he will see the work you did to raise them, and care for them.

IMG_0439 (2).jpg

Rose is growing up way to fast and I have to except that no matter how much I try I can’t stop her. She is the smartest 4-year-old ever. She just graduated from daycare, you would have been so proud of her! I can just picture the look on your face if you had seen her in her little cap and gown. I know that she learned a lot from you, you taught her so much and it amazes me how much like a sponge she is. I assure you though that she is still a little pain in the butt when it comes to pooping in the potty, I’m sure my sister can attest to that, she gives us both grief in that front. I know that she will grow up to be smart and devoted, just like you!

IMG_0175.JPG

Alicia had her spring concert recently and she did amazing! I know that she would have loved to be more involved with the band this year but given the circumstances, she did what she could. Not to sell her short she did really great and I am proud of her.
On that note, your shy reserved and timid daughter was also in a play. Yeah, Alicia acted in front of people! I would have never guessed she would be involved in drama, but here she is on the brink of becoming an actor.
She still writes and does art which she gets better at every day. I see a lot of you in her. I see your sense of wonder and curiosity in her, I see things that could never be taught but only inherited. She is your daughter inside (in spirit) and outside (her ears).

IMG_0153 (2).JPG

Katie, whoo, where do I even start with Katie? She has your personality, I mean I don’t think that I could have handled two of you at the same time. Yet I would have willingly done it if I had been given the chance.
She always amazes me with her creativity, and her eagerness to learn new things (as long as it’s what she wants to learn). She has switched over to the academy from homeschooling and she is unstoppable! She is poised to graduate next year! She is blowing through classes like no other!
I see your determination and fighting zeal in her every day. I have no worries that Katie will grow up to become whatever she wants to be. She is independent and self-motivated and I know she will do great things with her life.

32130666_2124969351125576_1030065846300442624_o.jpg

Zack, well what can I say about your son? He is no longer that little boy with the girly voice, he is pretty much a man now. Although I will always see him as an indecisive teen. Don’t let that fool you he is growing up into a very capable and determined young man.
He just graduated from the Tech Center and is set to graduate from high school in a few days.
Funny thing about Zack he got your sense of humor, and your ability to find amusement in things that others would overlook. He owes a lot to you, even if he doesn’t see it all right now, he is slowly learning all things you tried to instill in him.

F697F1BE-A8E8-4336-BEBD-7C030F2A8DEF.png

Derp, yes Derp. He is still hanging in there, a little less masculine than before, but still as ornery as ever.

IMG_0464 (2)

It’s funny as I write this, I realize that you not only left behind memories, you left behind a puzzle. Each one of your kids is a piece of you. You made it to where your kids would have to stay together in order to see you again. I’ve seen it first-hand today!
We went out on Mothers Day and spent the whole day playing pool. I swear I have not seen those kids get along and smile so much in a long time. It felt like you were there with us, as Zack and Katie went back and forth trading quips and laughing. As Alicia concentrated, determined to sink the ball. Rose climbing over all the chairs and under the table. Putting chalk on our sticks and her face, helping all of us with our shots, giggling and smiling the whole time.
It has been tough this last year, learning to deal with everything and trying to bring balance into our lives.
We have never once set forth to learn to live without you, that just isn’t possible, what we have done is learned to live for you and with you. We carry your memory with us and uphold your virtues. We strive to learn from your teaching as well as your mistakes, in order to show everyone that you are among us no matter what.
To say you are missing out on what is happening in our lives is a lie, I know you are there the only thing you are missing out on is the physical.
I do my best to take care of the gifts you have left me. I do what I can and hope that it is enough, although it is sometimes tough by myself, it is in you that I find the strength and will to protect, love, and nurture these kids!C14E412D-FF7A-4588-ADBA-95B24BE2B6BD.png

I want you to know that we Love You, Miss You, and Always Remember You.

Your kids have written there own word to express how they feel and I have included them here.

Zack,

“I miss you so much Mom. I graduate in a week and even though you aren’t here I know you are watching over me and all of us. I know that you are proud of me everyday. I’m glad that you are my guardian angel because I always stop from doing stupid things and I always know it’s you protecting me. I love you always and forever”

Katie,

“Mom,
Not a day goes by where I don’t think about you. We all miss you so much and wish you were still here with us. But I know you’re watching over us, making sure we don’t make a mistake. Everyone is doing so many things that you would be so proud of. I would give anything just to have one more conversation with you just to tell you that I love you one last time. Happy Mother’s Day Mom.”

Alicia,

“Every day I miss you Mom. It always hurts. But every day, minute, and second, the pain slowly goes away. I’m reminded of you every day in small things. The random shivers I have, even the way a person laughs. And I smile. I miss you, but I know you never left for one second.
Happy Mother’s Day”

Love is Blind

For the longest time I thought the old idiom “Love is blind” meant that you didn’t see imperfection in those you loved. It meant that you loved them for them, despite their looks, their race, or their flaws. That it would be vain to choose someone based on those merits because everyone deserved to be loved and that personality and attitude could overcome physical features.

Over the years I’ve learned that, that is not the case at all. My interpretation is not the true meaning of the idiom. After being in multiple relationships and seeing my friends in relationships, some good and some bad, for both, I’ve learned a few things.

Sometimes we want a relationship so bad that we overlook red flags, warning signs and friends advice. We see a perfect relationship without faults, in our mind everything is copasetic. We harmonize with our partner and things couldn’t be better. It’s not till it’s to late that we start to see how toxic the relationship is. We can finally lift the cull and see the duality of the relationship.

Our friends might try to intervene, in an attempt to help, but we ignore it, because we are blinded by love. An ailment that we can do nothing for, “just let it run it’s course”. Having been on both sides of this phenomena, I can attest to the pain felt from both sides. As the person in the relationship, it is usually to late before you realize that there was even a problem.

On the other side of the spectrum, as a friend having to watch it happen, you can’t help but almost mourn for your friend going through it. You wish they would heed your advice about the relationship. You would give anything for them to see that you are only trying to help. Sometimes they may see it as a selfish attempt, by you the friends, to take up their time.

Of course as friends we must learn to respect that we will not always get to spend time with those we love due to insurmountable circumstances. Be it work, school, love interests or scheduling. We must learn to enjoy and make the most of the limited amount of time we get together. Creating memories instead of rehashing conversations about past mistakes. In  friendships I find that sometimes we must let the past die before we people will prove that they have changed.

Abuse, manipulation, and irrational behavior are all signs of blind love. In certain situation a person can try to justify behavior that maybe illicit, unable to distinguished between right and wrong.

Blind love isn’t always a bad thing in some cases blind love can be beautiful. Being able to transcend race, age, handicap, and flaws, being the purest form of unconditional love. In these cases blind love is actually a beautiful thing. But learning to differentiate between the wrong and right kind of blind love can be difficult for most. To say that we have not all been blinded at one point would be a lie. So maybe we need to take a step back and agree to only step in when we feel our friends are the most vulnerable. On the flip side we should also agree to take a moment to consider where are friends are coming from, when they decide to confront us about our situation in a relationship.

Love, each other and except that we all make mistakes. We must be ready at any moment to help each other out and pick each other up! Friendship is something that we all need in our lives, to me friends where there before relationships and so they should be held in high regards when compared to the relationship.

As always, thank you my Committed Reader.

I hope you enjoyed this as much I as I enjoy writing it.

-EB

Losers Club

I guess when they say Good comes from bad there is some truth in it. When I was faced with the worst situation possible I assumed the worse. I would never have guessed that an attempt to clear my mind and distract myself would turn out to have an even better outcome. I would not have made it through the majority of the struggles I’ve been through if it hadn’t been for my best friends!

Caleb

20171021_153935

Caleb was there for a little over half a year when everything happened. The way we became best friends is a crazy story on its own! We have our moments and our ups and downs, but what friends don’t? He has put up with a lot thanks to me, from crazy road trips to strong displays of affection.

We have both been through hell in our lives, and if there was ever an instance of iron sharpening iron this is it! I’m here for you bro and I know that the feeling in mutual, no question about it!

I can’t believe we have only been friends for just under a year and a half! Feels like we’ve been at it for decades! I can’t wait to see what comes next in our lives, But I’m sure with you as my best friend there is nothing that could stop us!

Selena

4F934CB8-A333-45B8-B67F-BCB853C667FA.png

I will be honest about Selena, I was just gonna write “Crazy” and move on to Kelly. Honestly, I remember the first time Caleb mentioned Selena, I think the first thing outta my mouth was “who the f*ck is that?” Honestly, when I first met Selena I thought she was annoying! Yet the more I got to know her the more she grew on me.

I mean how bad could someone that shares the same birthday be?

In the short time that I have known Selena, I’ve learned a lot about her! For starters, I know I wasn’t as strong and determined when I was her age. I’ve seen this girl breakdown talk it out and conquer her problems. Taking on hurdle after hurdle, this girl is non-stop. She is always ready to hang out with her friends no matter the time or place.

Selena is the definition of what a true friend is! There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her (even breaking into her house for her). We have had a lot of fun and I know we will continue to! I love you Selena!

Kelly

82A425B8-82E1-4FDF-9FA2-98B181AA3694.png

Kelly is the one we have to watch out for the most, you know what they say “it’s the quiet ones”. I kid, although, Kelly is pretty quiet and conservative, she is also very caring, compassionate, and loyal. When I met Kelly I didn’t know what to think, I just knew that I needed to talk to her. Turns out my instinct was right!

Kelly reminds me of a song by Krayzie Bone “just because Krayzie quiet speak less. Don’t be mistaking my kindness for weakness. Humble but ready to rumble” She is pretty easy going but f*ck with her and see what happens! Lol. She is also pretty open to new experiences. She may seem quiet but once you get her started she is capable of some very deep and profound conversation! She is very supportive of her friends. P.S. Kelly is also a gamer!

I can’t even begin to explain the role that Kelly played, while I was trying to cope with my situation and deal with my emotions. I have to say thank you for putting up with it and helping me through that! I’m excited for the future and can’t wait to see where the rest of the club and us end up! I love you, and thank you!

Friends

I know that I have done quite a few post relating to friendship and I guess that is just my mood lately. Friendship means a lot to me, I would trade riches for experiences with my friends, memories are worth more than material things to me. These three prove that, I don’t know where I would have ended up if I didn’t have them in my life.

Don’t get me wrong there were others that helped me through my struggles in their own way, and I am grateful to them. I love everyone that is apart of my life, and I mean no disrespect to those I didn’t mention.

As for whether this is my last friendship post? Don’t count on it I’m sure these Losers will give me more to write about!

The Media Has Been Deceiving Us

UqK5Ze0

I remember reading a book a long time ago called Buddhism for Beginners by Thubten Chodron. The book itself was a great explanation of the basics of Buddhism and I highly recommend it to anyone who has questions on Buddhism. Of course my review of the book is not why I’m writing this, it’s actually for something that stood out to me most.

“Seeking one correct answer often comes from a wish to make life – which is basically fluid – into something certain and fixed.”

-Thubten Chodron

Life, in itself is filled with many mysteries, many question, and lot’s of answers. Questions can have a definite answer, like mathematical and scientific questions can be explained and proven true. That’s just a fact, but other questions have a plethora of answers behind them.

So why do we choose to except the first answer we hear? Instead of allowing ourselves to hold on to the question before accepting the answer. Looking at the many sides and processing it careful, to make a choices on which answer to accept – if we even decide to pick one answer as being best – that’s how it should be.

Yet the media has its fair share of the blame on why we live in such a close-minded and intolerant society. We are not given the full story, which would allow for us to make an informed decision on the matter at hand. Instead we are fed trigger fuelled stories that cause us to see red and side with the first plausible idea we are handed. Not only that, the story we are shown and the answer we are given is dependent on our geographical location and political presence!

2zsbhuf

Life as Thubten Chodron said “Is Fluid”, so why are we made to feel like we need to answer a question with a solid? It’s like floating the titanic on a cannel, it don’t make sense. We live in a time were we need to have and open-mind about everything question. We should never feel pressured to choose the first answer but instead decide that maybe we should just hold on to that one question and turn it over and over. All the while contemplating both the question and the answer.

As for the political aspects, that could be implied with this topic, I choose to not debate politics with people. There are few exceptions to this rule, but why ruin a good time. My point in a nutshell is to impose upon you, my Committed Reader, a sense that sometimes the answer we seek for the questions we ask aren’t always concrete. Don’t be afraid to seek an answer by retaining the question for later.

“Good things come to those who wait,” cliché I know but seriously, mull it over for a minute, analyze, examine and consider all sides. That is the best advice I have ever had, I just wish I hadn’t gotten it when I was 28.

Thank you again my Committed Reader

-EB

 

 

“Am I A Good Person?

“Am I a bad man
Cause I tried to get the things I never had, man
Was dealt the bad hand
But I maintain my life and changed my life
Even with these cards, I play the game right
Could you please shine one of your blessings down on me?
My life is a mess, many levels of stress and I really could use one now”

-Krayzie Bone

Good Person?

Am I a good person? Lets admit it, the world has teeth! Rows of razor sharp, soul crushing teeth, that will bite down when you lease expect it. I could sugar coat it but seriously once you hit a certain age the world loses it’s sugar coating. The reality is that growing up brings new challenges and affords new possibilities. It’s a kind of world that you are excited for when you are young but that excitement is quickly turned to misery and confusion. Life itself has a way of testing us at every turn with an unbiased, and non discriminatory attitude!

Life an equal opportunity hardship!

Most people are not born with a silver spoon in their mouth. The majority of humans must work, toil, and labor for an opportunity to afford a living wage. Yet the thing that amazes me is the people that have experienced life’s bite. The people who have gone through hell and still continue to thrive, and not just thrive but actually go out and have a smile on there face. These individuals are able to see something that others can’t, they are wired to think differently, they have the ability to show humility and compassion in the face of grief and misfortune. Why?

Because they are “a good person”. These people would give you all they had if it meant they were helping other. They would just as quickly give you their shirt or shoes than to let you go without.

This is something that I struggle with and I’m sure others do to. I don’t consider myself a bad person by any means. I do what I can to provide for my family, even in the midst of hardship. There isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do, and that is where the dichotomy lies. What would I do for my family? If this was a game of cards and I “was dealt a bad hand” I would do the normal thing. Bluff.

The thing is this isn’t a card game, and the decisions that I make as to how to handle situations has a ripple effect. If I bluff about my hand to garner favor, or assistance, am I really making myself happy? No. If I really wanted to be happy I would look for a way to bring joy to myself and others not just manipulate it so I can benefit.

I would fight for every chance to help instead of be helped. Look for chances to give, time, support, donations, attention or anything else. Yes we all go through times of need when life bites, but we have all felt that overwhelming sensation when people come together to help you. Even when all they do is check in on you.

Reciprocate! That is how we can be “a good person”. If we can be overwhelmed by joy from someone sharing with us, than imagine the feeling of being on the opposite side of that. To be the one that makes someone feel overwhelmed. Help others cause you never know when you’ll need their help too.

Thank you my Committed Reader

-EB

 

Writers Block

Yesterday I experienced my first onset of writers block. Since starting this blog I have never had to deal with writers blog. I found it easy to go with my daily prompts and write something everyday.

I felt a crushing defeat yesterday when I could not think of a thing to write. I was so disappointed in myself. I thought the worst and almost had a panic attack, but I took a step back and decided at around 11:30pm that there was no reason to worry. I could crank out something quickly but I knew it wouldn’t be something I would be proud of.

I gave in and decided to give my brain a rest, It seems like exactly what I needed because I came back and here I am two post and three drafts later and it’s like I never missed a beat. Oh, and funny thing my site still gained new followers and more views and likes regardless of my absence.

So  if I learned anything yesterday is that sometimes creativity needs a day off. A moment to relax and reinvigorate it’s self. If you work seven days a week your bound to get fatigue and your work will suffer so if you wouldn’t do that at a job, why would you allow yourself to do it in your writing. You don’t want it to become a chore if it’s something you love doing.

So go play a game, go for a walk, hang with your friends, or read something interesting, you deserve it!

Till Next Time My Committed Reader

-EB

A Man Outta Place

ALEXANDER HAMILTON TO JOHN LAURENS

[April, 1779]

“Cold in my professions – warm in my friendships – I wish, my Dear Laurens, it were in my power, by actions rather than words, to convince you that I love you. I shall only tell you that ’till you bade us Adieu, I hardly knew the value you had taught my heart to set upon you.”

-A Hamilton

Hamilton and Laurens

The relationship between the Founding Father Alexander Hamilton and Lieutenant Colonel John Laurens was a very close one. A friendship that bordered upon romantic relations. A fine line that Hamilton liked to play with in his letters to Laurens.

The idea of a Founding Father being consider homosexual is a bit of a controversy in its self. No one wants to think that such a great scholar, writer, and war vet would also have homosexual tendencies. This is especially true today, in a world where love is expected to be hetero and any idea of mixing the lines would be derogative and unconstitutional.

Alexander Hamilton, was known for writing with such conviction and honesty that he struggled to maintain any form of ambiguity. Yet that same conviction and honesty, is what made Alexander a force to be reckoned with. I could outline the number of letters, addresses and essays he wrote but that has already been done. The truth is that the more I study about Alexander Hamilton the more fascinating and intriguing his life becomes.

It is believed that the homoerotic tendencies came from Alexander more than Laurens. Their friendship was not up for questioning but their homosexual relation is. Some believe that it was an attempt by Hamilton to bring Laurens into the light of scandal and bring the scion down to the level of the orphan bastard. Still other claim that Hamilton’s feelings were real, proof being in how long it took him to tell Laurens about his engagement to Miss Schuyler. Alexander also spoke of Elisabeth as more of a simple suitor than a true romantic relation, going as far as to assure Laurens that he will still be as devoted to him after matrimony as he is now.

“She is a good hearted girl who I am sure will never play the termagant; though not a genius she has good sense enough to be agreeable, and though not a beauty, she has fine black eyes – is rather handsome and has every other requisite of the exterior to make a lover happy.”

-A Hamilton to J Laurens

Truth of Myth

So I leave it up to you, to decide what your opinion is of the “Ten Dollar Founding Father”. To me I find it interesting and could probably go on for some time writing about Hamilton and Laurens, but for the sake brevity and conciseness I leave you with both my opinion and the more important facts about this topic.

I believe that Hamilton did was by todays standards bisexual and that even marriage did not detour him from such feelings.

I challenge you my Committed Reader, to do your own research into what other mysteries lie in hiding in our history. As you may know our government has done more than it’s share of hiding facts from the public. I would love to hear of other such things in our history that may come across!

 

10 Followers

A few weeks ago I decided to put excuses aside and start blogging. I just assumed I would be making a digital journal. I did not expect to see the following and love that I have received! Maybe ten followers isn’t as big of a deal to some as it is to me, but the way I see it, the first ten helped keep me motivated.

To try to explain in any sense, how much that simple click of the follow button means to me would strongly diminish it’s value – being a writer I feel comfortable enough saying that – there really is no way to say it than simply to say, Thank You.

I write because it’s an escape, I can create and explore what ever world I wish to explore and the only limit is my imagination, (I know what a cliché). These last few weeks, I’ve made a big transition, finally getting to move into my apartment after a fire burned our house down on Valentines Day, which also happens to be my anniversary to my late wife, who passed away in august the year before, from complications after child birth (the baby is okay). Valentines Day is also my 4 year old daughters birthday, (My wife and I would have been married 4 years this year, (I’ll let you put two and two together).

I would say we have had a bit of bad luck. Yet I write, I write with hopes that maybe people will be interested in what I have to say. Hope that maybe it will help me clear my mind and shake the webs, But I also write (on this sight) with hope that I can kill two birds with one stone and both clear my mind and entertain. I am hopeful that maybe for once I can put aside my insecurities and show people what I have created, without fear.

So a follow and a like can mean more than you think, and that is true for me. Thank you to everyone that reads my post, comments, like, and follows. I hope that my following will keep growing, but regardless I will keep posting no matter what. By the way if you’ve made it this far than know this, you are the people I am talking about, the real MVP! I hope you come back and enjoy what you read in the future.

What’s Friends

Friends are a true treasure, a precious resource that we sometimes tend to treat like a commodity. First off the best friends are like diamonds they are forged in the fires of some of the most difficult times in your life. Seeming to literally come into your life when you need them the most. Walking out of the mist to support and encourage you. So through the last few years I’ve learned a few things about true friends.

First don’t abuse your friends. It’s easy to deal with situations where you are uncomfortable or not use to, by unknowingly attacking your friend. Yet it’s these moments that you should take the time to talk to your friends one on one and lay it all out on the table. If you can’t suck it up and be brutally honest with your friends than you should reevaluate your friendship. Truth is, that sounds more like an acquaintance than a friend. Openness is a crucial part of any relationship so don’t avoid it in friendships.

Never be afraid to break down. Your friends are not going to judge you for crying in front of them, (at least they shouldn’t). Let it out, if your having a shitty day or week or months, your friends will understand. Maybe you need a second opinion, or someone to listen, or you need multiple points of views, it doesn’t matter cause they will do what it takes to help you. If all else fails they will at least distract you and help you have some fun for a while.

Make memories! In those moments late at night, (or early morning) you will find that you will be reminiscing on past experience, so making new ones is a must. Don’t matter what you do, even if it’s just getting a cup of coffee, going to the cinema, or hanging at your house. Those times will be the ones to help strengthen your bond. So do stuff together and never be afraid to try new things, cause if there was anyone to do this with it’s them!

Know when to be thick skinned. Jokes are jokes learn to brush it off and move on, but if you really feel that strongly don’t be afraid to say something. When your joking around trying to one up each other someone is bound to take it to far unintentionally, say something or move forward. When you get going sometimes it’s hard to hold back so be ready to apologize if you feel you’ve gone to far.

Do not give up! Don’t give up on your friends, we all deal with certain situations in different ways. If they step away let them, it might be what they need but always be ready for them when they return, that’s when they will need you the most.

I have some of the best friends I could ask for and without them I wouldn’t have made it through half the shit I’ve been through. I would do anything for these Losers and I would be lost without them. I hope that I will be able to return the favor tenfold! They mean more to me than they know. I love them and I can’t wait to see where we end up!