My Inner Thoughts

I feel so much hate, I’m forever enraged. In a fight for my fate that I have to engage in day after day. Until I can’t sustain, keeping score on the slate. Losing mate after mate, my minds in a haze and my life is a maze. Nothing pertains but everything is the same and I can’t keep myself sane, I want to break the chains, but I cant, to weak I have no strength. No energy my mind is in a glaze. I want it but I can’t chase. I’m infinitely unsure of every damn thing. Maybe it’s in my DNA and when you unravel the strain you can physically see the pain. It’s become engrained and it’s deep in my veins, and it’s infected my brain. My thoughts contain things I’ve pushed away, troubles and struggles that would amaze. I struggle to feign the fact that I strain and I pretend that in my own mind I reign. I should hold all the blame for the things that pertain to my name. I take aim at a claim that is fake and should be reclaimed. So tie me up and light the flame, so I can be rid of this shame, and be done with this game.

The Enigma of Life

We all do it regardless of the reason.

Some people do it when nervous or just for fun.

Other do it when over joyed or stressed a ton.

Sometimes its short sometimes it long.

There are millions of reason for why it happens.

Sometimes we do it and end up clapping.

There are times when there’s just no stopping.

and we end up doing it till we’re sobbing.

When done in a group it might sound like hens.

It’s hard to fake and try to pretend.

It’s comforting, only when it’s genuine,

and better when shared among a group of friends.

It’s something that should be thought after.

Always thrilling and never lack luster.

This thing is hard to control and Master.

The thing I am talking about is Laughter!

via Daily Prompt: Laughter

Flaunt

The way she flaunts, her body at me.

Knowing what I want and making me weak.

Moving her body in a taunt, swaying her cheeks.

She will leave you stunned with her physique.

Movements so fluid they haunt, I want to shriek.

She is on the hunt and ready, her bodies in heat..

Her curves take me on a jaunt, as I reach my peak.

She has so much fun with new techniques.

The way that she grunts, and grips the sheets.

It’s will leave you sprung, a feeling so unique!

via Daily Prompt: Flaunt

Toxic

You lookin through my shit
Click after click
I guess you can’t quit
Hitting that like button,
I know you can’t resist.

Double tap! Where do I start?
Always in a hurry to make a heart.
Looks like you’re trying for a restart
Long distance, lack of communication
You fell off and we drifted apart!

You’re sporadic message of attention
Are sending the wrong impression
Cause know its time for a secession
Trying to dangle me out on the line
But I’ve learned my lesson

This situation was to toxic
It was making me hypoxic
So truth be told I had to drop it
It was getting hard to breath
In a relationship that was counterfeit

Verse and Lyric!

Give me a pen and a pad
So I can go mad
I don’t mean to brag
but Im pretty rad
My rhymes ain’t a fad
my verse is iron clad
Emotions I can show a tad
my skill, you wish you had
When it comes to the rhymes
and the rhythms that I write
Just keep me insight
cause I might get hype
a killer with a vibe
and I will do it every time
you know it’s not a crime
Verse and lyric are divine
So I write them all the time!

The Truth I Know

Here you are.
And there you go.
You’re leaving fast.
When we started slow.

My heart is cracked.
And the glue won’t hold.
You won’t be back.
That’s the truth I know.

Here you are.
And there you go.
You’re leaving fast.
When we started slow.

We’ve been so far.
Through the highs and lows.
And we grew apart.
When we seemed real close.

Here we are.
And there you go.
And you won’t be back.
Yeah, this I know.

Update

So I forgot to mention in my last post about something my four year old did. Which made me laugh.

There has been this random piece of trash on the stairs leading up to our floor. It has been there for almost the entirety of our occupancy thus far.

So my daughter likes to hold my hand as she makes her way up the stairs. Well the day in question I was in somewhat of a hurry and so I was rushing her along. She was moving pretty briskly for a toddler taking on stairs. I wasn’t paying to much attention to her cause she has climbed those stairs countless times before.

It wasn’t till we reached the trash on the stairs that I felt a jerk on my arm. It seems in an attempt to avoid stepping on this sticky piece of trash, my daughter chose to sacrifice herself to the dangers of falling. Putting all hope for her life on the precarious grip our hands shared. Luckily I had repositioned my grip moments before and managed to pull her 40 pound frame safely to the next step.

It was in that moment that I realized, my daughter was ready to die for her cause, no matter the outcome. I am not looking forward to her teenage years. This is going to be a hell of a ride!

Smoke

The smoke lingers.

The smell between my fingers.

The taste on my mouth,

The room spins around.

I want that first high,

a feeling I will never get right.

I chase and I chase,

something I can never replace.

The time I waste trying to replicate.

I feel like I’m running through a maze

I’m outta place, I’m in a haze.

Drag after drag,

ash after ash.

I move to the next thing,

Something with more strength

Something crazy and insane.

So I take a shot than a hit.

from a vice that doesn’t mean shit.

I’m numb, my throat’s dry, I cant spit.

I’m gone, barely alive, I can’t quit.

I try and I try from the floor where I lie

trying to detoxify while I’m mystified.

How much did I buy?

I break down and cry!

I must stop to survive.

A habit, like another gateway

A demon that I can’t slay

No more good days

my demons want to surface

I feel less than perfect

Like maybe I’m just a burden

My failures are like a circuit

I promise it’s not on purpose

My demons make me nervous

The first time was the best

but it will never compare to the rest.

I will soon be six feet deep in the grave.

Dealing with craziness as my world goes insane.

Time goes by that i can never save.

All for a sensation something stupid I crave.

For a feeling that will never be the same.

A crutch like an animal that i can never tamed.

Day 33-37

What more can I say about apartment life? They are becoming few and far between but that’s just because we are finally comfortable. The neighbors still sound like they have cement shoes on their feet. I wish they would go take a swim. The weed smell has gotten to the point where the next time it happens the cops will be called to deal with it.

If you wanna smoke weed and get away with it, maybe you shouldn’t draw attention to yourself with all the noise. Of course, that’s just my opinion.

I have taken over the kitchen table as my office. Katie tries to act important and sit at the table with her laptop. Like she is doing anything.

We still need some furniture like end tables and bookshelves but other than that we have all the necessities.

As much as I wanted to say that everything has settled and there really is no major problems. I can’t. The A.C. that they supposedly fixed last week is not cooling anything. so as much as I love to wake up with my face stuck to the pillow I would rather not. My four year old has woken up multiple times in the night crying because she is hot.

This is what I will focus on, sucks for them that rent is due and I still haven’t paid. They have at least a week to fix it.

Love is Blind

For the longest time I thought the old idiom “Love is blind” meant that you didn’t see imperfection in those you loved. It meant that you loved them for them, despite their looks, their race, or their flaws. That it would be vain to choose someone based on those merits because everyone deserved to be loved and that personality and attitude could overcome physical features.

Over the years I’ve learned that, that is not the case at all. My interpretation is not the true meaning of the idiom. After being in multiple relationships and seeing my friends in relationships, some good and some bad, for both, I’ve learned a few things.

Sometimes we want a relationship so bad that we overlook red flags, warning signs and friends advice. We see a perfect relationship without faults, in our mind everything is copasetic. We harmonize with our partner and things couldn’t be better. It’s not till it’s to late that we start to see how toxic the relationship is. We can finally lift the cull and see the duality of the relationship.

Our friends might try to intervene, in an attempt to help, but we ignore it, because we are blinded by love. An ailment that we can do nothing for, “just let it run it’s course”. Having been on both sides of this phenomena, I can attest to the pain felt from both sides. As the person in the relationship, it is usually to late before you realize that there was even a problem.

On the other side of the spectrum, as a friend having to watch it happen, you can’t help but almost mourn for your friend going through it. You wish they would heed your advice about the relationship. You would give anything for them to see that you are only trying to help. Sometimes they may see it as a selfish attempt, by you the friends, to take up their time.

Of course as friends we must learn to respect that we will not always get to spend time with those we love due to insurmountable circumstances. Be it work, school, love interests or scheduling. We must learn to enjoy and make the most of the limited amount of time we get together. Creating memories instead of rehashing conversations about past mistakes. InĀ  friendships I find that sometimes we must let the past die before we people will prove that they have changed.

Abuse, manipulation, and irrational behavior are all signs of blind love. In certain situation a person can try to justify behavior that maybe illicit, unable to distinguished between right and wrong.

Blind love isn’t always a bad thing in some cases blind love can be beautiful. Being able to transcend race, age, handicap, and flaws, being the purest form of unconditional love. In these cases blind love is actually a beautiful thing. But learning to differentiate between the wrong and right kind of blind love can be difficult for most. To say that we have not all been blinded at one point would be a lie. So maybe we need to take a step back and agree to only step in when we feel our friends are the most vulnerable. On the flip side we should also agree to take a moment to consider where are friends are coming from, when they decide to confront us about our situation in a relationship.

Love, each other and except that we all make mistakes. We must be ready at any moment to help each other out and pick each other up! Friendship is something that we all need in our lives, to me friends where there before relationships and so they should be held in high regards when compared to the relationship.

As always, thank you my Committed Reader.

I hope you enjoyed this as much I as I enjoy writing it.

-EB