My Inner Thoughts

I feel so much hate, I’m forever enraged. In a fight for my fate that I have to engage in day after day. Until I can’t sustain, keeping score on the slate. Losing mate after mate, my minds in a haze and my life is a maze. Nothing pertains but everything is the same and I can’t keep myself sane, I want to break the chains, but I cant, to weak I have no strength. No energy my mind is in a glaze. I want it but I can’t chase. I’m infinitely unsure of every damn thing. Maybe it’s in my DNA and when you unravel the strain you can physically see the pain. It’s become engrained and it’s deep in my veins, and it’s infected my brain. My thoughts contain things I’ve pushed away, troubles and struggles that would amaze. I struggle to feign the fact that I strain and I pretend that in my own mind I reign. I should hold all the blame for the things that pertain to my name. I take aim at a claim that is fake and should be reclaimed. So tie me up and light the flame, so I can be rid of this shame, and be done with this game.

Toxic

You lookin through my shit
Click after click
I guess you can’t quit
Hitting that like button,
I know you can’t resist.

Double tap! Where do I start?
Always in a hurry to make a heart.
Looks like you’re trying for a restart
Long distance, lack of communication
You fell off and we drifted apart!

You’re sporadic message of attention
Are sending the wrong impression
Cause know its time for a secession
Trying to dangle me out on the line
But I’ve learned my lesson

This situation was to toxic
It was making me hypoxic
So truth be told I had to drop it
It was getting hard to breath
In a relationship that was counterfeit

Smoke

The smoke lingers.

The smell between my fingers.

The taste on my mouth,

The room spins around.

I want that first high,

a feeling I will never get right.

I chase and I chase,

something I can never replace.

The time I waste trying to replicate.

I feel like I’m running through a maze

I’m outta place, I’m in a haze.

Drag after drag,

ash after ash.

I move to the next thing,

Something with more strength

Something crazy and insane.

So I take a shot than a hit.

from a vice that doesn’t mean shit.

I’m numb, my throat’s dry, I cant spit.

I’m gone, barely alive, I can’t quit.

I try and I try from the floor where I lie

trying to detoxify while I’m mystified.

How much did I buy?

I break down and cry!

I must stop to survive.

A habit, like another gateway

A demon that I can’t slay

No more good days

my demons want to surface

I feel less than perfect

Like maybe I’m just a burden

My failures are like a circuit

I promise it’s not on purpose

My demons make me nervous

The first time was the best

but it will never compare to the rest.

I will soon be six feet deep in the grave.

Dealing with craziness as my world goes insane.

Time goes by that i can never save.

All for a sensation something stupid I crave.

For a feeling that will never be the same.

A crutch like an animal that i can never tamed.

Love is Blind

For the longest time I thought the old idiom “Love is blind” meant that you didn’t see imperfection in those you loved. It meant that you loved them for them, despite their looks, their race, or their flaws. That it would be vain to choose someone based on those merits because everyone deserved to be loved and that personality and attitude could overcome physical features.

Over the years I’ve learned that, that is not the case at all. My interpretation is not the true meaning of the idiom. After being in multiple relationships and seeing my friends in relationships, some good and some bad, for both, I’ve learned a few things.

Sometimes we want a relationship so bad that we overlook red flags, warning signs and friends advice. We see a perfect relationship without faults, in our mind everything is copasetic. We harmonize with our partner and things couldn’t be better. It’s not till it’s to late that we start to see how toxic the relationship is. We can finally lift the cull and see the duality of the relationship.

Our friends might try to intervene, in an attempt to help, but we ignore it, because we are blinded by love. An ailment that we can do nothing for, “just let it run it’s course”. Having been on both sides of this phenomena, I can attest to the pain felt from both sides. As the person in the relationship, it is usually to late before you realize that there was even a problem.

On the other side of the spectrum, as a friend having to watch it happen, you can’t help but almost mourn for your friend going through it. You wish they would heed your advice about the relationship. You would give anything for them to see that you are only trying to help. Sometimes they may see it as a selfish attempt, by you the friends, to take up their time.

Of course as friends we must learn to respect that we will not always get to spend time with those we love due to insurmountable circumstances. Be it work, school, love interests or scheduling. We must learn to enjoy and make the most of the limited amount of time we get together. Creating memories instead of rehashing conversations about past mistakes. InĀ  friendships I find that sometimes we must let the past die before we people will prove that they have changed.

Abuse, manipulation, and irrational behavior are all signs of blind love. In certain situation a person can try to justify behavior that maybe illicit, unable to distinguished between right and wrong.

Blind love isn’t always a bad thing in some cases blind love can be beautiful. Being able to transcend race, age, handicap, and flaws, being the purest form of unconditional love. In these cases blind love is actually a beautiful thing. But learning to differentiate between the wrong and right kind of blind love can be difficult for most. To say that we have not all been blinded at one point would be a lie. So maybe we need to take a step back and agree to only step in when we feel our friends are the most vulnerable. On the flip side we should also agree to take a moment to consider where are friends are coming from, when they decide to confront us about our situation in a relationship.

Love, each other and except that we all make mistakes. We must be ready at any moment to help each other out and pick each other up! Friendship is something that we all need in our lives, to me friends where there before relationships and so they should be held in high regards when compared to the relationship.

As always, thank you my Committed Reader.

I hope you enjoyed this as much I as I enjoy writing it.

-EB