Recluse

I’m as muted in truth as I am in emotion.

Frozen in a world where love is devotion.

Unable to grasp the concept or the notion.

For me to find love I would need a potion.

I hid from the world alone and recluse.

Hoping to someday be able to break through.

I scramble to find love in the things that I do.

Because it terrifies me to try to find love in you.

My desire.

A spark waiting to reignite.

Love that seemed outta sight.

A feeling worth the fight.

Yet slowly losing height.

I was on the verge of quitting.

No longer worried about meeting.

The one that would give me meaning.

And always care about my feelings.

But a single light, in the distance shown.

And suddenly I, didn’t feel so alone.

My heart no longer roams.

Because it has found a new home.

You came out of nowhere.

Now life is easier to bare.

So my love i do swear.

To the one that will always be there.

You re-lit my flame.

You’ve wiped all the pain.

Now my life will never be the same.

Cause you are the one that I claim.

To express how I feel.

Is just so surreal.

Losing you isn’t part of the deal.

Cause my love for you is so real.

I love you more everyday.

And that love will never stray.

But stay true to you till my dying day.

Cause I know our love will never fade.

Dear Angela,

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Yesterday was Mothers Day, I went and spent some time with Liam. He fills me with an emotion that I can’t even begin to define. Love, pride, woe and happiness, all wrapped in one.

He is getting so big, and he is the happiest baby I have ever seen! I joked with Zack about how big his ears are (something that he got from you) they stick out so much. I’m afraid that he might just take off in the Oklahoma wind.

I’m glad that you did at least get to see him before the end, but I wish you could have held him at least once. You both deserved to have felt each other, even if for a moment. I promise that he will know how great of a mother you were and how much you wanted him in our lives.

I know that he will see a lot of you in his siblings and he will see the work you did to raise them, and care for them.

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Rose is growing up way to fast and I have to except that no matter how much I try I can’t stop her. She is the smartest 4-year-old ever. She just graduated from daycare, you would have been so proud of her! I can just picture the look on your face if you had seen her in her little cap and gown. I know that she learned a lot from you, you taught her so much and it amazes me how much like a sponge she is. I assure you though that she is still a little pain in the butt when it comes to pooping in the potty, I’m sure my sister can attest to that, she gives us both grief in that front. I know that she will grow up to be smart and devoted, just like you!

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Alicia had her spring concert recently and she did amazing! I know that she would have loved to be more involved with the band this year but given the circumstances, she did what she could. Not to sell her short she did really great and I am proud of her.
On that note, your shy reserved and timid daughter was also in a play. Yeah, Alicia acted in front of people! I would have never guessed she would be involved in drama, but here she is on the brink of becoming an actor.
She still writes and does art which she gets better at every day. I see a lot of you in her. I see your sense of wonder and curiosity in her, I see things that could never be taught but only inherited. She is your daughter inside (in spirit) and outside (her ears).

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Katie, whoo, where do I even start with Katie? She has your personality, I mean I don’t think that I could have handled two of you at the same time. Yet I would have willingly done it if I had been given the chance.
She always amazes me with her creativity, and her eagerness to learn new things (as long as it’s what she wants to learn). She has switched over to the academy from homeschooling and she is unstoppable! She is poised to graduate next year! She is blowing through classes like no other!
I see your determination and fighting zeal in her every day. I have no worries that Katie will grow up to become whatever she wants to be. She is independent and self-motivated and I know she will do great things with her life.

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Zack, well what can I say about your son? He is no longer that little boy with the girly voice, he is pretty much a man now. Although I will always see him as an indecisive teen. Don’t let that fool you he is growing up into a very capable and determined young man.
He just graduated from the Tech Center and is set to graduate from high school in a few days.
Funny thing about Zack he got your sense of humor, and your ability to find amusement in things that others would overlook. He owes a lot to you, even if he doesn’t see it all right now, he is slowly learning all things you tried to instill in him.

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Derp, yes Derp. He is still hanging in there, a little less masculine than before, but still as ornery as ever.

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It’s funny as I write this, I realize that you not only left behind memories, you left behind a puzzle. Each one of your kids is a piece of you. You made it to where your kids would have to stay together in order to see you again. I’ve seen it first-hand today!
We went out on Mothers Day and spent the whole day playing pool. I swear I have not seen those kids get along and smile so much in a long time. It felt like you were there with us, as Zack and Katie went back and forth trading quips and laughing. As Alicia concentrated, determined to sink the ball. Rose climbing over all the chairs and under the table. Putting chalk on our sticks and her face, helping all of us with our shots, giggling and smiling the whole time.
It has been tough this last year, learning to deal with everything and trying to bring balance into our lives.
We have never once set forth to learn to live without you, that just isn’t possible, what we have done is learned to live for you and with you. We carry your memory with us and uphold your virtues. We strive to learn from your teaching as well as your mistakes, in order to show everyone that you are among us no matter what.
To say you are missing out on what is happening in our lives is a lie, I know you are there the only thing you are missing out on is the physical.
I do my best to take care of the gifts you have left me. I do what I can and hope that it is enough, although it is sometimes tough by myself, it is in you that I find the strength and will to protect, love, and nurture these kids!C14E412D-FF7A-4588-ADBA-95B24BE2B6BD.png

I want you to know that we Love You, Miss You, and Always Remember You.

Your kids have written there own word to express how they feel and I have included them here.

Zack,

“I miss you so much Mom. I graduate in a week and even though you aren’t here I know you are watching over me and all of us. I know that you are proud of me everyday. I’m glad that you are my guardian angel because I always stop from doing stupid things and I always know it’s you protecting me. I love you always and forever”

Katie,

“Mom,
Not a day goes by where I don’t think about you. We all miss you so much and wish you were still here with us. But I know you’re watching over us, making sure we don’t make a mistake. Everyone is doing so many things that you would be so proud of. I would give anything just to have one more conversation with you just to tell you that I love you one last time. Happy Mother’s Day Mom.”

Alicia,

“Every day I miss you Mom. It always hurts. But every day, minute, and second, the pain slowly goes away. I’m reminded of you every day in small things. The random shivers I have, even the way a person laughs. And I smile. I miss you, but I know you never left for one second.
Happy Mother’s Day”

Verse and Lyric!

Give me a pen and a pad
So I can go mad
I don’t mean to brag
but Im pretty rad
My rhymes ain’t a fad
my verse is iron clad
Emotions I can show a tad
my skill, you wish you had
When it comes to the rhymes
and the rhythms that I write
Just keep me insight
cause I might get hype
a killer with a vibe
and I will do it every time
you know it’s not a crime
Verse and lyric are divine
So I write them all the time!

Smoke

The smoke lingers.

The smell between my fingers.

The taste on my mouth,

The room spins around.

I want that first high,

a feeling I will never get right.

I chase and I chase,

something I can never replace.

The time I waste trying to replicate.

I feel like I’m running through a maze

I’m outta place, I’m in a haze.

Drag after drag,

ash after ash.

I move to the next thing,

Something with more strength

Something crazy and insane.

So I take a shot than a hit.

from a vice that doesn’t mean shit.

I’m numb, my throat’s dry, I cant spit.

I’m gone, barely alive, I can’t quit.

I try and I try from the floor where I lie

trying to detoxify while I’m mystified.

How much did I buy?

I break down and cry!

I must stop to survive.

A habit, like another gateway

A demon that I can’t slay

No more good days

my demons want to surface

I feel less than perfect

Like maybe I’m just a burden

My failures are like a circuit

I promise it’s not on purpose

My demons make me nervous

The first time was the best

but it will never compare to the rest.

I will soon be six feet deep in the grave.

Dealing with craziness as my world goes insane.

Time goes by that i can never save.

All for a sensation something stupid I crave.

For a feeling that will never be the same.

A crutch like an animal that i can never tamed.

Loyal Friends

Customer Loyalty Delusion

It is a well received notion in the business industry that aggressive marketing and advertising is number one when it comes to growth and revenue. New consumers are the life blood of a business, but at the same times innovation and costumer loyalty are just as important. Showing old customers that your business can adapt to meet there needs is the best way to bringing them back.

Business 101, Advertise, advertise, advertise! Most stores and businesses want to gain new and old customers alike, going as far as spending tons of money on ads. The problem with that is that in the process of gaining new costumers and reacquiring old ones, companies loose sight of the Loyal Customer.

Loyal Customers (LC) are the ones who never waver, they are committed and understanding. LC’s are the ones who will also attract more costumers, just because they love your company.

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So lets be honest. Do companies really care about their LC’s or do they only care about their new customers?

  • First, Companies focus on ads aimed at new customers.
  • Second, They spend a lot of money on those ads.
  • Third, all the “sales” they have are not for the LC’s, they are a vague gimmick used by companies to allow their LC’s to help recruit potential customers.

It’s a sick system when new customers get a great discount or a lower monthly payment and yet the LC gets nothing. Why? Because they aren’t going anywhere? If the only time companies worry about there costumers is when they want new ones or they are about to loose old ones. Is that really best practice?

Friendship Delusion

Now if we juxtapose our lives with a business model, will we find that we treat our Loyal Friends better than companies treat their LC’s? I’m not saying that we spend multiple k’s a year trying to aggressively target new friends through ads. (Although I guess you could, and I’m sure people due on craigslist, or is that prosti… Never mind back to the topic). By all means I am also not saying you shouldn’t invest time in trying to mend friendships that have gone astray either.

The difference between life and business is that one has you spending money to better it and the other has you spending Time. How much time are you willing to spend on mending a friendship or finding a new one? How much time do we actually spend making our loyal friends feel important?

New friends and old friends are important, but don’t alienate your loyal friends. Loyal friends that took you lots of time to develop, to bond with, and to become close. These are the friends that deserve a little more time and effort. We can’t treat loyal friends like a pair of shoes, we can’t just pick and choose which friend we hang out with like they are interchangeable.

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Show them how much they mean to you, spend a little more Time and Effort with them. Loyal friends are the ones that will guide you through the rest of your life, through thick and thin. So don’t treat them like some kind of friend for rent.

In Closing

What did we learn? Loyalty is worth so much more than we value it. The time we invest in it is just as valuable. Even if those Loyal Friends are a bunch of losers you randomly went with to see a movie. Now they are your Losers and they should be treated as such.

I thank you for your time My Committed Reader.

I look forward to the next time we get to do this again.

-EB

via Daily Prompt: Vague

The Artifact

This was an early attempt for me to write a horror story from a phrase I heard people use a lot. I even used it with my girlfriends too. The structure is bad and it needs work but I am publishing it as a way to show how far I’ve come. I hope you enjoy.

The damp smell of dirt filled Jen’s nostrils. It was a smell that Jen enjoyed while standing on the porch with her dad before a storm. A smell that Jen knew would no longer have a pleasant memory, but would come with a sharp sting. That is if Jen ever made it out alive.
   The tape around Jen’s wrist was no longer gripping to her skin but it’s hold on itself was well cemented. Jen spun the tape around her wrists trying to feel for the edge but with no luck.
   She swore at times she could hear breathing but Jen had been unable to calm herself enough to be sure. The small strips of light under her blindfold didn’t help Jen with that, nor did it help her know where she was.
   She had tried her hardest not to fight the restraints around her ankles. Jen figured if she got out an injured ankle wouldn’t be helpful. So Jen just kept trying the tape around her wrists.
   
   The lasting thing Jen remembered is being at a party. Bobby Crider, was following her around at a distance. Bobby had always seemed weird to Jen, but this was weird even for Bobby. She dismissed this and continued to party with her friends.
   Mark Nathaniel, was among the group Jen was partying with. Mark was an athlete, he had just been announced valedictorian, was the state wrestling champion and seemed to never notice Jen. Tonight however was different. Mark had been bringing Jen drinks all night, he had talked to her a couple of times and when the party was winding down he made sure to take Bobby with him. Jen was on cloud 9 and nothing was going to bring her down.

   Jen had been concentrating when the hand touched her face. It was a soft stroke with the back of the hand, yet it startled Jen enough to cause her to almost fall backwards in the chair.
   “Who is there?” Jen asked. No one answered. “What do you want?” again silence. “Is it money? Are you going to have your way with me?” Jen realized that her questions where making her upset. Jen had so many possibilities running through her mind on why he wanted her.
   A loud crash followed by a few angry murmurs startled Jen again. The sound produced by the artifact reminded Jen of something but she couldn’t picture it. The murmurs seemed familiar. Jen wondered if this was someone she knew. Maybe this would be a way for her to talk them out of whatever it was they were planning. The only problem was, how would she figure out who it was?

After the party Jen and her friends decided to go hang out at the lake. James van Horn, Jen’s old boyfriend, tagged along. In Jen’s opinion there was a good reason he was an ex. James loved to smother Jen all the time. Jen had no escape from him. James would always write her love letters and buy her little things. It wasn’t that Jen hated the attention. She just felt like James was too obsessive about her. He bought her stuff even if it meant he wouldn’t have money to buy lunch. The thing that made it worse was when Jen would tell him that “he didn’t have to” James would automatically say “well if I had to do it, it wouldn’t be as fun”. All Jen could think now was “since he’s here this won’t be as fun”.

   Jen sat in silence wondering how long they had been watching her mess with the tape around her wrists. Jen needed to rethink her plan, now that she knew someone was in the room watching her.
   “Do I know you?” Jen asked. Yet again no-one answered. Jen didn’t want to annoy them to the point that they would do something. So she just sat there thinking. Not noticing that she had started subconsciously messing with the tape again.

Daniel kept his distance from Jen from the moment he got to the lake. Daniel hated Jen.  Daniel had planned to propose to Ashley after graduation He loved her in every form of the word. He was convinced that Jen had broken Ashley and him up. When he caught Jen talking to Ashley before they broke up. What Daniel didn’t know was that Jen was only returning the notes she borrowed from Ashley for biology. No matter how much everyone tried to explain the situation to Daniel. He still blamed Jen. Jen eventually accepted that Daniel needed someone to blame about the break up.  

It was at the lake that Jen would have what she would later find out was her last drink of the night.


   The hand touched her face again, this time continuing down Jen’s neck and stopping just short of her breast.

   “What do you want? Please just say anything.” Jen said. Still no respond. “You don’t have to do this.”

   “Huh.” The mysterious man said.

   “Huh? Why huh? Please talk to me.” It went silent again. “Please, you don’t have…” Jen was cut off this time by a mocking voice.

“to do this.” The voice continued. “Just shut your mouth.”

“Why did you bring me here?”

“You brought yourself here.”

“What?”

“You don’t know who I am? You still haven’t figured it out?”

“Just let me go!” Somehow the idea that Jen knew who it was made her feel, more fearful of the situation.

“Why don’t you make me?”

“You’re a coward!”

“If you say so.”

“Show me your face you stupid coward!”

“You’ve seen my face not my fault you can’t remember.”

“Show it to me!”

“Why don’t you take that blindfold off and look for yourself.” The voice said laughing.

“Please let me go.” Jen had stopped talking loud, she was now talking in a low calm voice.

“Why don’t you yell again sweetheart maybe yell for help.” The voice egged Jen on. “I like it when you get frantic.”

“No use, you didn’t gag me so I’m sure we are somewhere where no one will ever hear me.” Jen continued talking in a low voice.

“You are a smart girl aren’t you.”

 

“Wanna see my new outfit for the formal?” Samantha asked Jen.

“Sure, mine comes in Thursday I can’t wait.”

“Here it is, what do you think?”

“Wow, where did you find a dress like that?”

“My aunt lives in California, she works at a department store, my mom told her about the form and she asked for measurements and sent me this dress.”

“Your so lucky! My dress is casual wear compared to yours.” Jen said with a giggle.

“Nah I’m sure yours looks great. What time do you need to be-” Samantha was interrupted by a voice coming up the stairs.

“Sam you home?” Sam’s dad came into view in the doorway. “Oh, Jen I didn’t know you were here.”

“Guess what dad, Jen’s dress for the formal is coming in on Thursday!” Sam said.

“That’s great. I bet your excited! I know Sam won’t shut up about it.” He started to walk away and stopped. “Oh. Um, Jen will you be joining us for dinner?

“I- I wish I could Mister Logan but my mom wants me home so i can do my chores. Thank you though.” Jen replied.

“Okay have fun you two.”

    “You don’t do chores, what’s that about?” Sam asked.

    “Nothing I just need to be home early today.”

    “Jen, we have been friends since the 4th grade, homies since the fourth of course remember? I know when something is up.”

    “Nothing is up.”

    “Bull crap!”

 

    Jen had quit talking to the voice altogether.

“Now why are you being so quiet? Just cause we are out in the middle of nowhere doesn’t mean you have to quit being sociable.” Jen still didn’t respond. All Jen could think about was the sound the artifact made when it hit the ground. She knew that sound but from where?

“Can I have some water?” Jen asked.

“Oh, trust me you won’t need any water, you won’t be here long enough to die of dehydration.”

“Can we get whatever it is over with?”

“Well we can sure get started but i’m going to do this as slow as possible, going to enjoy it, savor it.”

“What are you going to do to me?”

“Hush up now.” There it was again. The clank of the artifact hitting the floor. Jen’s brain started running through a mental rolodex of objects to noises.

“Damn thing always falling.” The voice grumbled. The next thing that touched Jen was cold and flat, It touched her where the hand had stopped. She felt a hand grab her shirt collar at the the side of her neck. Then a rip sound. The same thing was done to the opposite side. It was a knife. The hands of the voice cut Jen’s shirts from collar to the end of the sleeves.

 

“Okay, I will see you tomorrow at school.” Sam Said as she walked Jen to the garage.

“Okay, you should come over Thursday and see my dress.”

“Oh you bet your sweet ass I will.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Love you too.” Sam said opening the door. If Jen ever told Sam why she didn’t like staying over with her and her single dad it would tear them apart there is no way Sam would believe that her dad had anything to do with that.

“Later.”Sam said as she walked back upstairs.”

“Jen, are you leaving so soon.?” Sam’s dad asked from the garage.

“Yes mister Logan.”

“Do you want me to give you a ride? I’m heading to the store.” He said fishing his keys from his pocket, when he finally pulled them out he snagged the knife he kept clipped to his pocket. It fell towards the ground.

“No, thank you mister Logan.” Jen ran, she never once looked back. She wished for the chance to be able to tell Sam without ruining their friendship. There wasn’t a way to though. She was alone. No one would believe her if she told them. God only knew what mister Logan would do to Jen if she told.

 

The next rip came from Jens undershirt.

“What are you doing?” Jen shouted.

“Now you hold still or I might slip and cut you on accident.” The voice said putting his knife up to Jen’s throat. Jen was almost sure the voice belong to mister Logan.

“I won’t tell. Please. If you let me go, I promise I won’t say a word.”

“Don’t care.” By this point Jen still had her pants and bra on.

“Please I won’t tell anyone what you did. Please.”

“I haven’t done anything yet.” Jen started to panic. fear was starting to take control.

“Stop! Let me go!” Jen started to thrash in the chair catching the chin of the voice with her head.

“Ahh, you stupid bitch! If you don’t quit being dumb Imma bust your teeth out first. So behave!”

“Just let me go! Mister Logan you don’t have to do this!” Now the voice started laughing hysterically. The hands grabbed the blindfold and pulled it up. Now the voice had a face an identity.

“If I had to do it, it wouldn’t be as fun.”

A Song of Life

She walked in and everyone saw her, except me I didn’t see her, I sensed her. I sensed her in the increased blood flow throughout my body. I sensed her when my heart rate quickened and I was in cadence with her. I Sensed her in my shallow breathing, in sync with her steps. We were in rhythm but I doubt she would ever know.

A girl like that would never notice me. Why would she? I was a nobody. A nobody that seemed to syncopate every time she came near. I could feel her presence, and if that was the effect she had on me just by coming close, I could imagine what would happen if she ever touched me. I would daydream about what would happen if she ever came in contact with me. It would be a symphonic event that would start with a crescendo and would be filled with accents and trills that would send us over the top. An unstoppable force of rhythmic passion filled with affrettando and devoto. It would be our greatest compositions!

If that was just a touch, imagine what holding her would entail or even still, what would happen if we ever kiss! A daydream that would overcome me for months!

I would dream of creating music with her for the rest of my life! It would be an awesome song of life!

via Daily Prompt: Song

Depleted Moments

Battery Low

We have become a society that is crazily dependent on our cell phones for everything. They have become a crutch and have forced us to miss so many moments in life that once you step back and think about it it’s actually astonishing. I don’t know how many times a week I have to hear a complaint from some one (myself included) that goes along the lines of “Oh my phone is almost dead”. This one phrase is never a thing mumbled in a moment of silence or in between conversation. No it has been my experiences that people can’t help but feel obligated to interrupt whatever is going on to let people know that their phones battery has depleted. When this occurs it usually cause a change in conversation, it’s the equivalent of a wild card in Uno.

Why can’t we wait to say this? It’s bad enough that I find it tough to talk to someone that is constantly on their phone, yet this one thing bothers me the most. I would do my best to help you recharge your phone as long as you telling me doesn’t come at the expense of our conversation.

Depleted Moments

Also I feel like we need to learn to do without our phones around our friends. Why can’t we put our phones down to enjoy the time we have with our friends? Now that I am considered an adult and I have to plan out my time with my friends, I can’t understand why we would give up moments just to check our phone. It depletes the moments you have with your friends, I get if you need to answer a call or check a message really quick but there is no good excuse for being on your phone the majority of the time your with your friends.

This is something I really need to work on and something I hope those around me will too. We should learn to enjoy each other and the time we have together. Cell phones should come second. The next time I hang out with my friends I will spend time enjoying it and leave my phone in my pocket.

via Daily Prompt: Deplete

10 Followers

A few weeks ago I decided to put excuses aside and start blogging. I just assumed I would be making a digital journal. I did not expect to see the following and love that I have received! Maybe ten followers isn’t as big of a deal to some as it is to me, but the way I see it, the first ten helped keep me motivated.

To try to explain in any sense, how much that simple click of the follow button means to me would strongly diminish it’s value – being a writer I feel comfortable enough saying that – there really is no way to say it than simply to say, Thank You.

I write because it’s an escape, I can create and explore what ever world I wish to explore and the only limit is my imagination, (I know what a cliché). These last few weeks, I’ve made a big transition, finally getting to move into my apartment after a fire burned our house down on Valentines Day, which also happens to be my anniversary to my late wife, who passed away in august the year before, from complications after child birth (the baby is okay). Valentines Day is also my 4 year old daughters birthday, (My wife and I would have been married 4 years this year, (I’ll let you put two and two together).

I would say we have had a bit of bad luck. Yet I write, I write with hopes that maybe people will be interested in what I have to say. Hope that maybe it will help me clear my mind and shake the webs, But I also write (on this sight) with hope that I can kill two birds with one stone and both clear my mind and entertain. I am hopeful that maybe for once I can put aside my insecurities and show people what I have created, without fear.

So a follow and a like can mean more than you think, and that is true for me. Thank you to everyone that reads my post, comments, like, and follows. I hope that my following will keep growing, but regardless I will keep posting no matter what. By the way if you’ve made it this far than know this, you are the people I am talking about, the real MVP! I hope you come back and enjoy what you read in the future.