Dear Angela,

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Yesterday was Mothers Day, I went and spent some time with Liam. He fills me with an emotion that I can’t even begin to define. Love, pride, woe and happiness, all wrapped in one.

He is getting so big, and he is the happiest baby I have ever seen! I joked with Zack about how big his ears are (something that he got from you) they stick out so much. I’m afraid that he might just take off in the Oklahoma wind.

I’m glad that you did at least get to see him before the end, but I wish you could have held him at least once. You both deserved to have felt each other, even if for a moment. I promise that he will know how great of a mother you were and how much you wanted him in our lives.

I know that he will see a lot of you in his siblings and he will see the work you did to raise them, and care for them.

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Rose is growing up way to fast and I have to except that no matter how much I try I can’t stop her. She is the smartest 4-year-old ever. She just graduated from daycare, you would have been so proud of her! I can just picture the look on your face if you had seen her in her little cap and gown. I know that she learned a lot from you, you taught her so much and it amazes me how much like a sponge she is. I assure you though that she is still a little pain in the butt when it comes to pooping in the potty, I’m sure my sister can attest to that, she gives us both grief in that front. I know that she will grow up to be smart and devoted, just like you!

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Alicia had her spring concert recently and she did amazing! I know that she would have loved to be more involved with the band this year but given the circumstances, she did what she could. Not to sell her short she did really great and I am proud of her.
On that note, your shy reserved and timid daughter was also in a play. Yeah, Alicia acted in front of people! I would have never guessed she would be involved in drama, but here she is on the brink of becoming an actor.
She still writes and does art which she gets better at every day. I see a lot of you in her. I see your sense of wonder and curiosity in her, I see things that could never be taught but only inherited. She is your daughter inside (in spirit) and outside (her ears).

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Katie, whoo, where do I even start with Katie? She has your personality, I mean I don’t think that I could have handled two of you at the same time. Yet I would have willingly done it if I had been given the chance.
She always amazes me with her creativity, and her eagerness to learn new things (as long as it’s what she wants to learn). She has switched over to the academy from homeschooling and she is unstoppable! She is poised to graduate next year! She is blowing through classes like no other!
I see your determination and fighting zeal in her every day. I have no worries that Katie will grow up to become whatever she wants to be. She is independent and self-motivated and I know she will do great things with her life.

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Zack, well what can I say about your son? He is no longer that little boy with the girly voice, he is pretty much a man now. Although I will always see him as an indecisive teen. Don’t let that fool you he is growing up into a very capable and determined young man.
He just graduated from the Tech Center and is set to graduate from high school in a few days.
Funny thing about Zack he got your sense of humor, and your ability to find amusement in things that others would overlook. He owes a lot to you, even if he doesn’t see it all right now, he is slowly learning all things you tried to instill in him.

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Derp, yes Derp. He is still hanging in there, a little less masculine than before, but still as ornery as ever.

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It’s funny as I write this, I realize that you not only left behind memories, you left behind a puzzle. Each one of your kids is a piece of you. You made it to where your kids would have to stay together in order to see you again. I’ve seen it first-hand today!
We went out on Mothers Day and spent the whole day playing pool. I swear I have not seen those kids get along and smile so much in a long time. It felt like you were there with us, as Zack and Katie went back and forth trading quips and laughing. As Alicia concentrated, determined to sink the ball. Rose climbing over all the chairs and under the table. Putting chalk on our sticks and her face, helping all of us with our shots, giggling and smiling the whole time.
It has been tough this last year, learning to deal with everything and trying to bring balance into our lives.
We have never once set forth to learn to live without you, that just isn’t possible, what we have done is learned to live for you and with you. We carry your memory with us and uphold your virtues. We strive to learn from your teaching as well as your mistakes, in order to show everyone that you are among us no matter what.
To say you are missing out on what is happening in our lives is a lie, I know you are there the only thing you are missing out on is the physical.
I do my best to take care of the gifts you have left me. I do what I can and hope that it is enough, although it is sometimes tough by myself, it is in you that I find the strength and will to protect, love, and nurture these kids!C14E412D-FF7A-4588-ADBA-95B24BE2B6BD.png

I want you to know that we Love You, Miss You, and Always Remember You.

Your kids have written there own word to express how they feel and I have included them here.

Zack,

“I miss you so much Mom. I graduate in a week and even though you aren’t here I know you are watching over me and all of us. I know that you are proud of me everyday. I’m glad that you are my guardian angel because I always stop from doing stupid things and I always know it’s you protecting me. I love you always and forever”

Katie,

“Mom,
Not a day goes by where I don’t think about you. We all miss you so much and wish you were still here with us. But I know you’re watching over us, making sure we don’t make a mistake. Everyone is doing so many things that you would be so proud of. I would give anything just to have one more conversation with you just to tell you that I love you one last time. Happy Mother’s Day Mom.”

Alicia,

“Every day I miss you Mom. It always hurts. But every day, minute, and second, the pain slowly goes away. I’m reminded of you every day in small things. The random shivers I have, even the way a person laughs. And I smile. I miss you, but I know you never left for one second.
Happy Mother’s Day”

My Inner Thoughts

I feel so much hate, I’m forever enraged. In a fight for my fate that I have to engage in day after day. Until I can’t sustain, keeping score on the slate. Losing mate after mate, my minds in a haze and my life is a maze. Nothing pertains but everything is the same and I can’t keep myself sane, I want to break the chains, but I cant, to weak I have no strength. No energy my mind is in a glaze. I want it but I can’t chase. I’m infinitely unsure of every damn thing. Maybe it’s in my DNA and when you unravel the strain you can physically see the pain. It’s become engrained and it’s deep in my veins, and it’s infected my brain. My thoughts contain things I’ve pushed away, troubles and struggles that would amaze. I struggle to feign the fact that I strain and I pretend that in my own mind I reign. I should hold all the blame for the things that pertain to my name. I take aim at a claim that is fake and should be reclaimed. So tie me up and light the flame, so I can be rid of this shame, and be done with this game.

The Enigma of Life

We all do it regardless of the reason.

Some people do it when nervous or just for fun.

Other do it when over joyed or stressed a ton.

Sometimes its short sometimes it long.

There are millions of reason for why it happens.

Sometimes we do it and end up clapping.

There are times when there’s just no stopping.

and we end up doing it till we’re sobbing.

When done in a group it might sound like hens.

It’s hard to fake and try to pretend.

It’s comforting, only when it’s genuine,

and better when shared among a group of friends.

It’s something that should be thought after.

Always thrilling and never lack luster.

This thing is hard to control and Master.

The thing I am talking about is Laughter!

via Daily Prompt: Laughter

Update

So I forgot to mention in my last post about something my four year old did. Which made me laugh.

There has been this random piece of trash on the stairs leading up to our floor. It has been there for almost the entirety of our occupancy thus far.

So my daughter likes to hold my hand as she makes her way up the stairs. Well the day in question I was in somewhat of a hurry and so I was rushing her along. She was moving pretty briskly for a toddler taking on stairs. I wasn’t paying to much attention to her cause she has climbed those stairs countless times before.

It wasn’t till we reached the trash on the stairs that I felt a jerk on my arm. It seems in an attempt to avoid stepping on this sticky piece of trash, my daughter chose to sacrifice herself to the dangers of falling. Putting all hope for her life on the precarious grip our hands shared. Luckily I had repositioned my grip moments before and managed to pull her 40 pound frame safely to the next step.

It was in that moment that I realized, my daughter was ready to die for her cause, no matter the outcome. I am not looking forward to her teenage years. This is going to be a hell of a ride!

Muted Emotions

I put pen to pad and text to page.

But no matter what I say.

I can’t find the words to explain.

All the emotions, feelings, and rage!

Word after word and phrase after phrase.

It’s driving me crazy I’m going insane!

I write letters that become words

words that make sentences, to form a verse.

Yet the more I elaborate the more the meaning blurs.

I try and try but the more I write,

the more the meaning dies.

The explanation in my mind,

becomes outta reach and outta sight

You deserve an explanation,

And even with all my concentration

It’s on the tip of my tongue, like a flirtation.

An elaboration full of frustration.

I wish I could explain, the thoughts in my brain

Bound and chained, locked up and contained

A feeling that wont wane, my writing is in vain

I’m no longer sane, thanks to all of this strain.

How do I do it, how do I get through it?

My speech, writing and movements aren’t fluid.

I feel stupid, I guess I’m just not fluent.

In the language of emotion, I’m clueless.

And I can’t refute it, for now I must remain muted.

via Daily Prompt: Elaborate

Losers Club

I guess when they say Good comes from bad there is some truth in it. When I was faced with the worst situation possible I assumed the worse. I would never have guessed that an attempt to clear my mind and distract myself would turn out to have an even better outcome. I would not have made it through the majority of the struggles I’ve been through if it hadn’t been for my best friends!

Caleb

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Caleb was there for a little over half a year when everything happened. The way we became best friends is a crazy story on its own! We have our moments and our ups and downs, but what friends don’t? He has put up with a lot thanks to me, from crazy road trips to strong displays of affection.

We have both been through hell in our lives, and if there was ever an instance of iron sharpening iron this is it! I’m here for you bro and I know that the feeling in mutual, no question about it!

I can’t believe we have only been friends for just under a year and a half! Feels like we’ve been at it for decades! I can’t wait to see what comes next in our lives, But I’m sure with you as my best friend there is nothing that could stop us!

Selena

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I will be honest about Selena, I was just gonna write “Crazy” and move on to Kelly. Honestly, I remember the first time Caleb mentioned Selena, I think the first thing outta my mouth was “who the f*ck is that?” Honestly, when I first met Selena I thought she was annoying! Yet the more I got to know her the more she grew on me.

I mean how bad could someone that shares the same birthday be?

In the short time that I have known Selena, I’ve learned a lot about her! For starters, I know I wasn’t as strong and determined when I was her age. I’ve seen this girl breakdown talk it out and conquer her problems. Taking on hurdle after hurdle, this girl is non-stop. She is always ready to hang out with her friends no matter the time or place.

Selena is the definition of what a true friend is! There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her (even breaking into her house for her). We have had a lot of fun and I know we will continue to! I love you Selena!

Kelly

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Kelly is the one we have to watch out for the most, you know what they say “it’s the quiet ones”. I kid, although, Kelly is pretty quiet and conservative, she is also very caring, compassionate, and loyal. When I met Kelly I didn’t know what to think, I just knew that I needed to talk to her. Turns out my instinct was right!

Kelly reminds me of a song by Krayzie Bone “just because Krayzie quiet speak less. Don’t be mistaking my kindness for weakness. Humble but ready to rumble” She is pretty easy going but f*ck with her and see what happens! Lol. She is also pretty open to new experiences. She may seem quiet but once you get her started she is capable of some very deep and profound conversation! She is very supportive of her friends. P.S. Kelly is also a gamer!

I can’t even begin to explain the role that Kelly played, while I was trying to cope with my situation and deal with my emotions. I have to say thank you for putting up with it and helping me through that! I’m excited for the future and can’t wait to see where the rest of the club and us end up! I love you, and thank you!

Friends

I know that I have done quite a few post relating to friendship and I guess that is just my mood lately. Friendship means a lot to me, I would trade riches for experiences with my friends, memories are worth more than material things to me. These three prove that, I don’t know where I would have ended up if I didn’t have them in my life.

Don’t get me wrong there were others that helped me through my struggles in their own way, and I am grateful to them. I love everyone that is apart of my life, and I mean no disrespect to those I didn’t mention.

As for whether this is my last friendship post? Don’t count on it I’m sure these Losers will give me more to write about!

A Parents Love

My mom always told me I would go far!

That I should be kind and humble.

Nothing could stop me from reaching the stars.

That deep in my heart there was a rumble!

My dad always told me to work hard!

Nothing comes easy, you must try.

Life is tough and it will leave scars.

Everything ends and you must say bye.

My parents were ying and yang.

Two parts of the same coin.

One with out the other would be strange.

Two unnatural forces joined.

Encouraging and loving.

Nurturing and wise.

strict and easy going

Shaping and forming two lives.

A hole left in our hearts.

Pain hit like the swing of a Mallet.

Missing all your love and support

Time heals pain, or does it?

Gone to early.

Taken unfairly.

Loved eternally.

You two were a rarity.

via Daily Prompt: Mallet

“Am I A Good Person?

“Am I a bad man
Cause I tried to get the things I never had, man
Was dealt the bad hand
But I maintain my life and changed my life
Even with these cards, I play the game right
Could you please shine one of your blessings down on me?
My life is a mess, many levels of stress and I really could use one now”

-Krayzie Bone

Good Person?

Am I a good person? Lets admit it, the world has teeth! Rows of razor sharp, soul crushing teeth, that will bite down when you lease expect it. I could sugar coat it but seriously once you hit a certain age the world loses it’s sugar coating. The reality is that growing up brings new challenges and affords new possibilities. It’s a kind of world that you are excited for when you are young but that excitement is quickly turned to misery and confusion. Life itself has a way of testing us at every turn with an unbiased, and non discriminatory attitude!

Life an equal opportunity hardship!

Most people are not born with a silver spoon in their mouth. The majority of humans must work, toil, and labor for an opportunity to afford a living wage. Yet the thing that amazes me is the people that have experienced life’s bite. The people who have gone through hell and still continue to thrive, and not just thrive but actually go out and have a smile on there face. These individuals are able to see something that others can’t, they are wired to think differently, they have the ability to show humility and compassion in the face of grief and misfortune. Why?

Because they are “a good person”. These people would give you all they had if it meant they were helping other. They would just as quickly give you their shirt or shoes than to let you go without.

This is something that I struggle with and I’m sure others do to. I don’t consider myself a bad person by any means. I do what I can to provide for my family, even in the midst of hardship. There isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do, and that is where the dichotomy lies. What would I do for my family? If this was a game of cards and I “was dealt a bad hand” I would do the normal thing. Bluff.

The thing is this isn’t a card game, and the decisions that I make as to how to handle situations has a ripple effect. If I bluff about my hand to garner favor, or assistance, am I really making myself happy? No. If I really wanted to be happy I would look for a way to bring joy to myself and others not just manipulate it so I can benefit.

I would fight for every chance to help instead of be helped. Look for chances to give, time, support, donations, attention or anything else. Yes we all go through times of need when life bites, but we have all felt that overwhelming sensation when people come together to help you. Even when all they do is check in on you.

Reciprocate! That is how we can be “a good person”. If we can be overwhelmed by joy from someone sharing with us, than imagine the feeling of being on the opposite side of that. To be the one that makes someone feel overwhelmed. Help others cause you never know when you’ll need their help too.

Thank you my Committed Reader

-EB

 

A Song of Life

She walked in and everyone saw her, except me I didn’t see her, I sensed her. I sensed her in the increased blood flow throughout my body. I sensed her when my heart rate quickened and I was in cadence with her. I Sensed her in my shallow breathing, in sync with her steps. We were in rhythm but I doubt she would ever know.

A girl like that would never notice me. Why would she? I was a nobody. A nobody that seemed to syncopate every time she came near. I could feel her presence, and if that was the effect she had on me just by coming close, I could imagine what would happen if she ever touched me. I would daydream about what would happen if she ever came in contact with me. It would be a symphonic event that would start with a crescendo and would be filled with accents and trills that would send us over the top. An unstoppable force of rhythmic passion filled with affrettando and devoto. It would be our greatest compositions!

If that was just a touch, imagine what holding her would entail or even still, what would happen if we ever kiss! A daydream that would overcome me for months!

I would dream of creating music with her for the rest of my life! It would be an awesome song of life!

via Daily Prompt: Song

Day Twenty-three

To day my A.C. unit started leaking and it began to flood my hallway. They knew about this and they chose to do nothing! Will they ever learn to address problems quicker?

I have no faith in them anymore…

Also if those neighbors don’t learn to settle their kids I will start banging on the damn ceiling! Literally they sound like people working out at Gold’s Gym!

I can’t even anymore!