questions – Fortuitus Rigmarole

To Err.

I want to learn everything thing again!

To start from the beginning and not understand.

To be naïve and dumb once again.

To have to pretend to know what I don’t comprehend.

Everything delivered to me in a polished formed.

That I except without any qualms.

And the more I know the less I have hope.

It would be so much simpler to learn the one oh one

Than to expand my horizon and wait till time stops.

When everyone around me ascends

I am left to pretend that I understand

I’m suppose to know what I did.

There is no danger in what you don’t know

We only fear when our knowledge begins to grow.

The expanding of knowledge begins the expelling.

We are promised a home made of gold

But we must be dictated by those who make our goals.

Don’t step out of line. Do only whats right.

Don’t judge, let yourself be judge by your father

And don’t you dare falter, you belong to him

So, don’t look for answers in others

Don’t be human, don’t be individuals.

Follow the cult and go with the trend.

In science to err is human, yet everywhere else it’s sin.

Retweet

My World is changing,

rearranging,

as everything is fading,

no more values, just hating.

no more talking, just complaining

Hard work is cheap, no more straining

History likes to repeat,

and we don’t even see

we wont get to our feet

to busy trying to retweet

We could shatter like glass,

just like the past.

watch our lives pass,

wait for the crash.

if these days are the last,

then let’s have a blast!

Let our world be destroyed,

who gives a crap.

I feel so much hate, I’m forever enraged. In a fight for my fate that I have to engage in day after day. Until I can’t sustain, keeping score on the slate. Losing mate after mate, my minds in a haze and my life is a maze. Nothing pertains but everything is the same and I can’t keep myself sane, I want to break the chains, but I cant, to weak I have no strength. No energy my mind is in a glaze. I want it but I can’t chase. I’m infinitely unsure of every damn thing. Maybe it’s in my DNA and when you unravel the strain you can physically see the pain. It’s become engrained and it’s deep in my veins, and it’s infected my brain. My thoughts contain things I’ve pushed away, troubles and struggles that would amaze. I struggle to feign the fact that I strain and I pretend that in my own mind I reign. I should hold all the blame for the things that pertain to my name. I take aim at a claim that is fake and should be reclaimed. So tie me up and light the flame, so I can be rid of this shame, and be done with this game.

The Enigma of Life

We all do it regardless of the reason.

Some people do it when nervous or just for fun.

Other do it when over joyed or stressed a ton.

Sometimes its short sometimes it long.

There are millions of reason for why it happens.

Sometimes we do it and end up clapping.

There are times when there’s just no stopping.

and we end up doing it till we’re sobbing.

When done in a group it might sound like hens.

It’s hard to fake and try to pretend.

It’s comforting, only when it’s genuine,

and better when shared among a group of friends.

It’s something that should be thought after.

Always thrilling and never lack luster.

This thing is hard to control and Master.

The thing I am talking about is Laughter!

via Daily Prompt: Laughter

Toxic

You lookin through my shit
Click after click
I guess you can’t quit
Hitting that like button,
I know you can’t resist.

Double tap! Where do I start?
Always in a hurry to make a heart.
Looks like you’re trying for a restart
Long distance, lack of communication
You fell off and we drifted apart!

You’re sporadic message of attention
Are sending the wrong impression
Cause know its time for a secession
Trying to dangle me out on the line
But I’ve learned my lesson

This situation was to toxic
It was making me hypoxic
So truth be told I had to drop it
It was getting hard to breath
In a relationship that was counterfeit

Update

So I forgot to mention in my last post about something my four year old did. Which made me laugh.

There has been this random piece of trash on the stairs leading up to our floor. It has been there for almost the entirety of our occupancy thus far.

So my daughter likes to hold my hand as she makes her way up the stairs. Well the day in question I was in somewhat of a hurry and so I was rushing her along. She was moving pretty briskly for a toddler taking on stairs. I wasn’t paying to much attention to her cause she has climbed those stairs countless times before.

It wasn’t till we reached the trash on the stairs that I felt a jerk on my arm. It seems in an attempt to avoid stepping on this sticky piece of trash, my daughter chose to sacrifice herself to the dangers of falling. Putting all hope for her life on the precarious grip our hands shared. Luckily I had repositioned my grip moments before and managed to pull her 40 pound frame safely to the next step.

It was in that moment that I realized, my daughter was ready to die for her cause, no matter the outcome. I am not looking forward to her teenage years. This is going to be a hell of a ride!

Smoke

The smoke lingers.

The smell between my fingers.

The taste on my mouth,

The room spins around.

I want that first high,

a feeling I will never get right.

I chase and I chase,

something I can never replace.

The time I waste trying to replicate.

I feel like I’m running through a maze

I’m outta place, I’m in a haze.

Drag after drag,

ash after ash.

I move to the next thing,

Something with more strength

Something crazy and insane.

So I take a shot than a hit.

from a vice that doesn’t mean shit.

I’m numb, my throat’s dry, I cant spit.

I’m gone, barely alive, I can’t quit.

I try and I try from the floor where I lie

trying to detoxify while I’m mystified.

How much did I buy?

I break down and cry!

I must stop to survive.

A habit, like another gateway

A demon that I can’t slay

No more good days

my demons want to surface

I feel less than perfect

Like maybe I’m just a burden

My failures are like a circuit

I promise it’s not on purpose

My demons make me nervous

The first time was the best

but it will never compare to the rest.

I will soon be six feet deep in the grave.

Dealing with craziness as my world goes insane.

Time goes by that i can never save.

All for a sensation something stupid I crave.

For a feeling that will never be the same.

A crutch like an animal that i can never tamed.

Muted Emotions

I put pen to pad and text to page.

But no matter what I say.

I can’t find the words to explain.

All the emotions, feelings, and rage!

Word after word and phrase after phrase.

It’s driving me crazy I’m going insane!

I write letters that become words

words that make sentences, to form a verse.

Yet the more I elaborate the more the meaning blurs.

I try and try but the more I write,

the more the meaning dies.

The explanation in my mind,

becomes outta reach and outta sight

You deserve an explanation,

And even with all my concentration

It’s on the tip of my tongue, like a flirtation.

An elaboration full of frustration.

I wish I could explain, the thoughts in my brain

Bound and chained, locked up and contained

A feeling that wont wane, my writing is in vain

I’m no longer sane, thanks to all of this strain.

How do I do it, how do I get through it?

My speech, writing and movements aren’t fluid.

I feel stupid, I guess I’m just not fluent.

In the language of emotion, I’m clueless.

And I can’t refute it, for now I must remain muted.

via Daily Prompt: Elaborate

The Media Has Been Deceiving Us

I remember reading a book a long time ago called Buddhism for Beginners by Thubten Chodron. The book itself was a great explanation of the basics of Buddhism and I highly recommend it to anyone who has questions on Buddhism. Of course my review of the book is not why I’m writing this, it’s actually for something that stood out to me most.

“Seeking one correct answer often comes from a wish to make life – which is basically fluid – into something certain and fixed.”

-Thubten Chodron

Life, in itself is filled with many mysteries, many question, and lot’s of answers. Questions can have a definite answer, like mathematical and scientific questions can be explained and proven true. That’s just a fact, but other questions have a plethora of answers behind them.

So why do we choose to except the first answer we hear? Instead of allowing ourselves to hold on to the question before accepting the answer. Looking at the many sides and processing it careful, to make a choices on which answer to accept – if we even decide to pick one answer as being best – that’s how it should be.

Yet the media has its fair share of the blame on why we live in such a close-minded and intolerant society. We are not given the full story, which would allow for us to make an informed decision on the matter at hand. Instead we are fed trigger fuelled stories that cause us to see red and side with the first plausible idea we are handed. Not only that, the story we are shown and the answer we are given is dependent on our geographical location and political presence!

Life as Thubten Chodron said “Is Fluid”, so why are we made to feel like we need to answer a question with a solid? It’s like floating the titanic on a cannel, it don’t make sense. We live in a time were we need to have and open-mind about everything question. We should never feel pressured to choose the first answer but instead decide that maybe we should just hold on to that one question and turn it over and over. All the while contemplating both the question and the answer.

As for the political aspects, that could be implied with this topic, I choose to not debate politics with people. There are few exceptions to this rule, but why ruin a good time. My point in a nutshell is to impose upon you, my Committed Reader, a sense that sometimes the answer we seek for the questions we ask aren’t always concrete. Don’t be afraid to seek an answer by retaining the question for later.

“Good things come to those who wait,” cliché I know but seriously, mull it over for a minute, analyze, examine and consider all sides. That is the best advice I have ever had, I just wish I hadn’t gotten it when I was 28.

Thank you again my Committed Reader

-EB

Tag: questions