To Err.

I want to learn everything thing again!

To start from the beginning and not understand.

To be naïve and dumb once again.

To have to pretend to know what I don’t comprehend.

Everything delivered to me in a polished formed.

That I except without any qualms.

And the more I know the less I have hope.

It would be so much simpler to learn the one oh one

Than to expand my horizon and wait till time stops.

When everyone around me ascends

I am left to pretend that I understand

I’m suppose to know what I did.

There is no danger in what you don’t know

We only fear when our knowledge begins to grow.

The expanding of knowledge begins the expelling.

We are promised a home made of gold

But we must be dictated by those who make our goals.

Don’t step out of line. Do only whats right.

Don’t judge, let yourself be judge by your father

And don’t you dare falter, you belong to him

So, don’t look for answers in others

Don’t be human, don’t be individuals.

Follow the cult and go with the trend.

In science to err is human, yet everywhere else it’s sin.

Retweet

My World is changing,

rearranging,

as everything is fading,

no more values, just hating.

no more talking, just complaining

Hard work is cheap, no more straining

History likes to repeat,

and we don’t even see

we wont get to our feet

to busy trying to retweet

We could shatter like glass,

just like the past.

watch our lives pass,

wait for the crash.

if these days are the last,

then let’s have a blast!

Let our world be destroyed,

who gives a crap.

 

Dear Angela,

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Yesterday was Mothers Day, I went and spent some time with Liam. He fills me with an emotion that I can’t even begin to define. Love, pride, woe and happiness, all wrapped in one.

He is getting so big, and he is the happiest baby I have ever seen! I joked with Zack about how big his ears are (something that he got from you) they stick out so much. I’m afraid that he might just take off in the Oklahoma wind.

I’m glad that you did at least get to see him before the end, but I wish you could have held him at least once. You both deserved to have felt each other, even if for a moment. I promise that he will know how great of a mother you were and how much you wanted him in our lives.

I know that he will see a lot of you in his siblings and he will see the work you did to raise them, and care for them.

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Rose is growing up way to fast and I have to except that no matter how much I try I can’t stop her. She is the smartest 4-year-old ever. She just graduated from daycare, you would have been so proud of her! I can just picture the look on your face if you had seen her in her little cap and gown. I know that she learned a lot from you, you taught her so much and it amazes me how much like a sponge she is. I assure you though that she is still a little pain in the butt when it comes to pooping in the potty, I’m sure my sister can attest to that, she gives us both grief in that front. I know that she will grow up to be smart and devoted, just like you!

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Alicia had her spring concert recently and she did amazing! I know that she would have loved to be more involved with the band this year but given the circumstances, she did what she could. Not to sell her short she did really great and I am proud of her.
On that note, your shy reserved and timid daughter was also in a play. Yeah, Alicia acted in front of people! I would have never guessed she would be involved in drama, but here she is on the brink of becoming an actor.
She still writes and does art which she gets better at every day. I see a lot of you in her. I see your sense of wonder and curiosity in her, I see things that could never be taught but only inherited. She is your daughter inside (in spirit) and outside (her ears).

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Katie, whoo, where do I even start with Katie? She has your personality, I mean I don’t think that I could have handled two of you at the same time. Yet I would have willingly done it if I had been given the chance.
She always amazes me with her creativity, and her eagerness to learn new things (as long as it’s what she wants to learn). She has switched over to the academy from homeschooling and she is unstoppable! She is poised to graduate next year! She is blowing through classes like no other!
I see your determination and fighting zeal in her every day. I have no worries that Katie will grow up to become whatever she wants to be. She is independent and self-motivated and I know she will do great things with her life.

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Zack, well what can I say about your son? He is no longer that little boy with the girly voice, he is pretty much a man now. Although I will always see him as an indecisive teen. Don’t let that fool you he is growing up into a very capable and determined young man.
He just graduated from the Tech Center and is set to graduate from high school in a few days.
Funny thing about Zack he got your sense of humor, and your ability to find amusement in things that others would overlook. He owes a lot to you, even if he doesn’t see it all right now, he is slowly learning all things you tried to instill in him.

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Derp, yes Derp. He is still hanging in there, a little less masculine than before, but still as ornery as ever.

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It’s funny as I write this, I realize that you not only left behind memories, you left behind a puzzle. Each one of your kids is a piece of you. You made it to where your kids would have to stay together in order to see you again. I’ve seen it first-hand today!
We went out on Mothers Day and spent the whole day playing pool. I swear I have not seen those kids get along and smile so much in a long time. It felt like you were there with us, as Zack and Katie went back and forth trading quips and laughing. As Alicia concentrated, determined to sink the ball. Rose climbing over all the chairs and under the table. Putting chalk on our sticks and her face, helping all of us with our shots, giggling and smiling the whole time.
It has been tough this last year, learning to deal with everything and trying to bring balance into our lives.
We have never once set forth to learn to live without you, that just isn’t possible, what we have done is learned to live for you and with you. We carry your memory with us and uphold your virtues. We strive to learn from your teaching as well as your mistakes, in order to show everyone that you are among us no matter what.
To say you are missing out on what is happening in our lives is a lie, I know you are there the only thing you are missing out on is the physical.
I do my best to take care of the gifts you have left me. I do what I can and hope that it is enough, although it is sometimes tough by myself, it is in you that I find the strength and will to protect, love, and nurture these kids!C14E412D-FF7A-4588-ADBA-95B24BE2B6BD.png

I want you to know that we Love You, Miss You, and Always Remember You.

Your kids have written there own word to express how they feel and I have included them here.

Zack,

“I miss you so much Mom. I graduate in a week and even though you aren’t here I know you are watching over me and all of us. I know that you are proud of me everyday. I’m glad that you are my guardian angel because I always stop from doing stupid things and I always know it’s you protecting me. I love you always and forever”

Katie,

“Mom,
Not a day goes by where I don’t think about you. We all miss you so much and wish you were still here with us. But I know you’re watching over us, making sure we don’t make a mistake. Everyone is doing so many things that you would be so proud of. I would give anything just to have one more conversation with you just to tell you that I love you one last time. Happy Mother’s Day Mom.”

Alicia,

“Every day I miss you Mom. It always hurts. But every day, minute, and second, the pain slowly goes away. I’m reminded of you every day in small things. The random shivers I have, even the way a person laughs. And I smile. I miss you, but I know you never left for one second.
Happy Mother’s Day”

My Inner Thoughts

I feel so much hate, I’m forever enraged. In a fight for my fate that I have to engage in day after day. Until I can’t sustain, keeping score on the slate. Losing mate after mate, my minds in a haze and my life is a maze. Nothing pertains but everything is the same and I can’t keep myself sane, I want to break the chains, but I cant, to weak I have no strength. No energy my mind is in a glaze. I want it but I can’t chase. I’m infinitely unsure of every damn thing. Maybe it’s in my DNA and when you unravel the strain you can physically see the pain. It’s become engrained and it’s deep in my veins, and it’s infected my brain. My thoughts contain things I’ve pushed away, troubles and struggles that would amaze. I struggle to feign the fact that I strain and I pretend that in my own mind I reign. I should hold all the blame for the things that pertain to my name. I take aim at a claim that is fake and should be reclaimed. So tie me up and light the flame, so I can be rid of this shame, and be done with this game.

Toxic

You lookin through my shit
Click after click
I guess you can’t quit
Hitting that like button,
I know you can’t resist.

Double tap! Where do I start?
Always in a hurry to make a heart.
Looks like you’re trying for a restart
Long distance, lack of communication
You fell off and we drifted apart!

You’re sporadic message of attention
Are sending the wrong impression
Cause know its time for a secession
Trying to dangle me out on the line
But I’ve learned my lesson

This situation was to toxic
It was making me hypoxic
So truth be told I had to drop it
It was getting hard to breath
In a relationship that was counterfeit

The Truth I Know

Here you are.
And there you go.
You’re leaving fast.
When we started slow.

My heart is cracked.
And the glue won’t hold.
You won’t be back.
That’s the truth I know.

Here you are.
And there you go.
You’re leaving fast.
When we started slow.

We’ve been so far.
Through the highs and lows.
And we grew apart.
When we seemed real close.

Here we are.
And there you go.
And you won’t be back.
Yeah, this I know.

Smoke

The smoke lingers.

The smell between my fingers.

The taste on my mouth,

The room spins around.

I want that first high,

a feeling I will never get right.

I chase and I chase,

something I can never replace.

The time I waste trying to replicate.

I feel like I’m running through a maze

I’m outta place, I’m in a haze.

Drag after drag,

ash after ash.

I move to the next thing,

Something with more strength

Something crazy and insane.

So I take a shot than a hit.

from a vice that doesn’t mean shit.

I’m numb, my throat’s dry, I cant spit.

I’m gone, barely alive, I can’t quit.

I try and I try from the floor where I lie

trying to detoxify while I’m mystified.

How much did I buy?

I break down and cry!

I must stop to survive.

A habit, like another gateway

A demon that I can’t slay

No more good days

my demons want to surface

I feel less than perfect

Like maybe I’m just a burden

My failures are like a circuit

I promise it’s not on purpose

My demons make me nervous

The first time was the best

but it will never compare to the rest.

I will soon be six feet deep in the grave.

Dealing with craziness as my world goes insane.

Time goes by that i can never save.

All for a sensation something stupid I crave.

For a feeling that will never be the same.

A crutch like an animal that i can never tamed.

Muted Emotions

I put pen to pad and text to page.

But no matter what I say.

I can’t find the words to explain.

All the emotions, feelings, and rage!

Word after word and phrase after phrase.

It’s driving me crazy I’m going insane!

I write letters that become words

words that make sentences, to form a verse.

Yet the more I elaborate the more the meaning blurs.

I try and try but the more I write,

the more the meaning dies.

The explanation in my mind,

becomes outta reach and outta sight

You deserve an explanation,

And even with all my concentration

It’s on the tip of my tongue, like a flirtation.

An elaboration full of frustration.

I wish I could explain, the thoughts in my brain

Bound and chained, locked up and contained

A feeling that wont wane, my writing is in vain

I’m no longer sane, thanks to all of this strain.

How do I do it, how do I get through it?

My speech, writing and movements aren’t fluid.

I feel stupid, I guess I’m just not fluent.

In the language of emotion, I’m clueless.

And I can’t refute it, for now I must remain muted.

via Daily Prompt: Elaborate

The Media Has Been Deceiving Us

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I remember reading a book a long time ago called Buddhism for Beginners by Thubten Chodron. The book itself was a great explanation of the basics of Buddhism and I highly recommend it to anyone who has questions on Buddhism. Of course my review of the book is not why I’m writing this, it’s actually for something that stood out to me most.

“Seeking one correct answer often comes from a wish to make life – which is basically fluid – into something certain and fixed.”

-Thubten Chodron

Life, in itself is filled with many mysteries, many question, and lot’s of answers. Questions can have a definite answer, like mathematical and scientific questions can be explained and proven true. That’s just a fact, but other questions have a plethora of answers behind them.

So why do we choose to except the first answer we hear? Instead of allowing ourselves to hold on to the question before accepting the answer. Looking at the many sides and processing it careful, to make a choices on which answer to accept – if we even decide to pick one answer as being best – that’s how it should be.

Yet the media has its fair share of the blame on why we live in such a close-minded and intolerant society. We are not given the full story, which would allow for us to make an informed decision on the matter at hand. Instead we are fed trigger fuelled stories that cause us to see red and side with the first plausible idea we are handed. Not only that, the story we are shown and the answer we are given is dependent on our geographical location and political presence!

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Life as Thubten Chodron said “Is Fluid”, so why are we made to feel like we need to answer a question with a solid? It’s like floating the titanic on a cannel, it don’t make sense. We live in a time were we need to have and open-mind about everything question. We should never feel pressured to choose the first answer but instead decide that maybe we should just hold on to that one question and turn it over and over. All the while contemplating both the question and the answer.

As for the political aspects, that could be implied with this topic, I choose to not debate politics with people. There are few exceptions to this rule, but why ruin a good time. My point in a nutshell is to impose upon you, my Committed Reader, a sense that sometimes the answer we seek for the questions we ask aren’t always concrete. Don’t be afraid to seek an answer by retaining the question for later.

“Good things come to those who wait,” cliché I know but seriously, mull it over for a minute, analyze, examine and consider all sides. That is the best advice I have ever had, I just wish I hadn’t gotten it when I was 28.

Thank you again my Committed Reader

-EB

 

 

A Parents Love

My mom always told me I would go far!

That I should be kind and humble.

Nothing could stop me from reaching the stars.

That deep in my heart there was a rumble!

My dad always told me to work hard!

Nothing comes easy, you must try.

Life is tough and it will leave scars.

Everything ends and you must say bye.

My parents were ying and yang.

Two parts of the same coin.

One with out the other would be strange.

Two unnatural forces joined.

Encouraging and loving.

Nurturing and wise.

strict and easy going

Shaping and forming two lives.

A hole left in our hearts.

Pain hit like the swing of a Mallet.

Missing all your love and support

Time heals pain, or does it?

Gone to early.

Taken unfairly.

Loved eternally.

You two were a rarity.

via Daily Prompt: Mallet