My Inner Thoughts

I feel so much hate, I’m forever enraged. In a fight for my fate that I have to engage in day after day. Until I can’t sustain, keeping score on the slate. Losing mate after mate, my minds in a haze and my life is a maze. Nothing pertains but everything is the same and I can’t keep myself sane, I want to break the chains, but I cant, to weak I have no strength. No energy my mind is in a glaze. I want it but I can’t chase. I’m infinitely unsure of every damn thing. Maybe it’s in my DNA and when you unravel the strain you can physically see the pain. It’s become engrained and it’s deep in my veins, and it’s infected my brain. My thoughts contain things I’ve pushed away, troubles and struggles that would amaze. I struggle to feign the fact that I strain and I pretend that in my own mind I reign. I should hold all the blame for the things that pertain to my name. I take aim at a claim that is fake and should be reclaimed. So tie me up and light the flame, so I can be rid of this shame, and be done with this game.

Update

So I forgot to mention in my last post about something my four year old did. Which made me laugh.

There has been this random piece of trash on the stairs leading up to our floor. It has been there for almost the entirety of our occupancy thus far.

So my daughter likes to hold my hand as she makes her way up the stairs. Well the day in question I was in somewhat of a hurry and so I was rushing her along. She was moving pretty briskly for a toddler taking on stairs. I wasn’t paying to much attention to her cause she has climbed those stairs countless times before.

It wasn’t till we reached the trash on the stairs that I felt a jerk on my arm. It seems in an attempt to avoid stepping on this sticky piece of trash, my daughter chose to sacrifice herself to the dangers of falling. Putting all hope for her life on the precarious grip our hands shared. Luckily I had repositioned my grip moments before and managed to pull her 40 pound frame safely to the next step.

It was in that moment that I realized, my daughter was ready to die for her cause, no matter the outcome. I am not looking forward to her teenage years. This is going to be a hell of a ride!

Muted Emotions

I put pen to pad and text to page.

But no matter what I say.

I can’t find the words to explain.

All the emotions, feelings, and rage!

Word after word and phrase after phrase.

It’s driving me crazy I’m going insane!

I write letters that become words

words that make sentences, to form a verse.

Yet the more I elaborate the more the meaning blurs.

I try and try but the more I write,

the more the meaning dies.

The explanation in my mind,

becomes outta reach and outta sight

You deserve an explanation,

And even with all my concentration

It’s on the tip of my tongue, like a flirtation.

An elaboration full of frustration.

I wish I could explain, the thoughts in my brain

Bound and chained, locked up and contained

A feeling that wont wane, my writing is in vain

I’m no longer sane, thanks to all of this strain.

How do I do it, how do I get through it?

My speech, writing and movements aren’t fluid.

I feel stupid, I guess I’m just not fluent.

In the language of emotion, I’m clueless.

And I can’t refute it, for now I must remain muted.

via Daily Prompt: Elaborate

Point Pleasant: Enumeration

Part One

This is an excerpt from the diary of Lars Holden, a resident of the town of Point Pleasant. I found this diary along with a set of books cataloging all the strange and occult events that have happened in this town. Lars also managed to catalog a number of strange entities that are found in Point Pleasant.

I must admit upon finding all this info, I thought it to be some kind of silly idea for a book. I’ve come across a few of these abominations, a few of which I would not have escaped had it not been for Lars.

-T. Reynolds

 

Aug. 23, 2010. A conversation between Lars and a friend would be a defining moment for the two friends.

“When did it all go wrong?” Lars asked looking at Phil.

“What do you mean?” Phil questioned as he passed his bottle of water to Lars.

“This town hasn’t been the same since that pit opened up and swallowed Rabbit Thompson’s house.” Lars said taking a sip from the water that was just handed to him.

“I guess it’s because we understand.” Phil replied.

“Understand?” Lars asked.

“Well yeah, we realized that bad things could happen and we had no one to shield us from it any more. When we were younger we didn’t exactly sit and watch the news. So now that we are older we understand.” Lars nodded his head, Phil could tell Lars understood. “Now every time something bad happens we are aware. We don’t have a cull over our eyes anymore.”

“Huh, I never thought of it like that before.” Lars said with new understanding.

“Still you are right, this town is not normal.” Phil agreed. “I mean why do we have curfews based on the cycles of the moon?”

“More importantly, why doesn’t anyone question it! We live in a town full of mysterious events and questionable leaders and no one is the least bit concerned!” Lars said.

“We are told stories of urban legends, things like little trolls roaming the forest, rolling heads that love eating human flesh, and an entity that is only referred to as Him, who according to legend, keeps the peace between all the other monsters.” Phil added.

“I say we go!” Lars said.

“That’s all anyone can hope for is to leave this town, I’m with you.” Phil responded.

“No! I say we go to the woods, next time there is a full moon. We go out and see what all these legends are about.” Lars declared.

“I don’t know, if we get caught, we will be in a lot of trouble.” Phil said, he sounded scared.

“I want to know why we are not allowed out there! Maybe it’s time things changed in this town and we are the ones to do it!” Lars said.

“Alright, you know what I’m with your crazy ass!” Phil replied.

The events that followed after that night were the reason that I started these catalogs. People need to know what is happening in the town of Point Pleasant. The citizens of Point Pleasant have been in the dark for too long, I plan to change that.

If you are reading this, Than I am truly sorry. Now that you’ve started reading the Order will not longer consider you a Know-nothing. You are stuck in this town just like everyone else who knows.

The Order runs everything in Point Pleasant. If you are a resident than chances are you took the test, and you were not considered a Scholar, the Order has considered you one of the Black Balled.

When you are raised in this town you are required to take a test in the 8th grade. The test is to see if you are qualified to join the ranks of the Order and become a member known as a Scholar. If you failed the test than the Order does not see you as a threat and feel that you will not interfere in there work.

The thing is now that you are reading these text you know too much and the Order is going to be looking for you. The only hope you have to stop, reading and find a man named Wyatt, he works at the mechanic shop on the outskirt of town. When you find him he will ask you question.

“Are you in need of assistance?” Your reply to this question has to be as follows. “I have ascended.” He will walk away from you without saying a word. Follow him and he will lead to a safe house located [REDACTED]. Wyatt will be your only hope at this time.

If, for what ever reason you receive a purple envelope what ever you do, DO NOT OPEN IT. If your curiosity gets the best of you and you open it, it will direct you to the Masonic Lodge for a meeting, IGNORE IT.

Find Kyle at all costs!

Best of luck,

Lars

Days 29-32

We have been here for over a month now! It really feels like we’ve been here so much longer though! There have been some growing pains, to say the least over the last month. Yet we have made it! I hope that this place keeps feeling like more and more like home, as we wait to see what will happen.
The neighbors still make noise so no surprise there. Katie said, “they sound like they are dropping bombs”. It is still pretty annoying but on that note, the smell of marijuana has decreased, fingers crossed it stays that way.

Today the 32nd day of survival in this place was the most trying but that was only because my internet provider is stupid! I went to trade in my old modem/router for a new one, due to issues with the old one, and they gave me just a modem. So I went and bought a Wi-Fi router cause I needs me some Wi-Fi! Well, conveniently it did not work. So I called them and the guy said hey you can get a panoramic modem that does both without any deposit on it. Well, when I went to the store to get it they told me I had to pay the deposit – insert eye roll- we went back and forth and now I’m 25 dollars poorer. I’m also waiting to see if they will reimburse me for it since it was their people who said I wouldn’t have to pay!

This has been the most stress full day since moving in. Aside from that Life here has been rather nice!

A lot of us have experienced what seems like paranormal activity in my room. I have taken to a high fiber diet in order to battle these entities with their own weapons! I think it’s working it has also been keeping the kids away from me so, great success!
In honor of Katie’s “dropping bombs” comment, I leave you all with this great song!

The Media Has Been Deceiving Us

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I remember reading a book a long time ago called Buddhism for Beginners by Thubten Chodron. The book itself was a great explanation of the basics of Buddhism and I highly recommend it to anyone who has questions on Buddhism. Of course my review of the book is not why I’m writing this, it’s actually for something that stood out to me most.

“Seeking one correct answer often comes from a wish to make life – which is basically fluid – into something certain and fixed.”

-Thubten Chodron

Life, in itself is filled with many mysteries, many question, and lot’s of answers. Questions can have a definite answer, like mathematical and scientific questions can be explained and proven true. That’s just a fact, but other questions have a plethora of answers behind them.

So why do we choose to except the first answer we hear? Instead of allowing ourselves to hold on to the question before accepting the answer. Looking at the many sides and processing it careful, to make a choices on which answer to accept – if we even decide to pick one answer as being best – that’s how it should be.

Yet the media has its fair share of the blame on why we live in such a close-minded and intolerant society. We are not given the full story, which would allow for us to make an informed decision on the matter at hand. Instead we are fed trigger fuelled stories that cause us to see red and side with the first plausible idea we are handed. Not only that, the story we are shown and the answer we are given is dependent on our geographical location and political presence!

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Life as Thubten Chodron said “Is Fluid”, so why are we made to feel like we need to answer a question with a solid? It’s like floating the titanic on a cannel, it don’t make sense. We live in a time were we need to have and open-mind about everything question. We should never feel pressured to choose the first answer but instead decide that maybe we should just hold on to that one question and turn it over and over. All the while contemplating both the question and the answer.

As for the political aspects, that could be implied with this topic, I choose to not debate politics with people. There are few exceptions to this rule, but why ruin a good time. My point in a nutshell is to impose upon you, my Committed Reader, a sense that sometimes the answer we seek for the questions we ask aren’t always concrete. Don’t be afraid to seek an answer by retaining the question for later.

“Good things come to those who wait,” cliché I know but seriously, mull it over for a minute, analyze, examine and consider all sides. That is the best advice I have ever had, I just wish I hadn’t gotten it when I was 28.

Thank you again my Committed Reader

-EB

 

 

“Am I A Good Person?

“Am I a bad man
Cause I tried to get the things I never had, man
Was dealt the bad hand
But I maintain my life and changed my life
Even with these cards, I play the game right
Could you please shine one of your blessings down on me?
My life is a mess, many levels of stress and I really could use one now”

-Krayzie Bone

Good Person?

Am I a good person? Lets admit it, the world has teeth! Rows of razor sharp, soul crushing teeth, that will bite down when you lease expect it. I could sugar coat it but seriously once you hit a certain age the world loses it’s sugar coating. The reality is that growing up brings new challenges and affords new possibilities. It’s a kind of world that you are excited for when you are young but that excitement is quickly turned to misery and confusion. Life itself has a way of testing us at every turn with an unbiased, and non discriminatory attitude!

Life an equal opportunity hardship!

Most people are not born with a silver spoon in their mouth. The majority of humans must work, toil, and labor for an opportunity to afford a living wage. Yet the thing that amazes me is the people that have experienced life’s bite. The people who have gone through hell and still continue to thrive, and not just thrive but actually go out and have a smile on there face. These individuals are able to see something that others can’t, they are wired to think differently, they have the ability to show humility and compassion in the face of grief and misfortune. Why?

Because they are “a good person”. These people would give you all they had if it meant they were helping other. They would just as quickly give you their shirt or shoes than to let you go without.

This is something that I struggle with and I’m sure others do to. I don’t consider myself a bad person by any means. I do what I can to provide for my family, even in the midst of hardship. There isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do, and that is where the dichotomy lies. What would I do for my family? If this was a game of cards and I “was dealt a bad hand” I would do the normal thing. Bluff.

The thing is this isn’t a card game, and the decisions that I make as to how to handle situations has a ripple effect. If I bluff about my hand to garner favor, or assistance, am I really making myself happy? No. If I really wanted to be happy I would look for a way to bring joy to myself and others not just manipulate it so I can benefit.

I would fight for every chance to help instead of be helped. Look for chances to give, time, support, donations, attention or anything else. Yes we all go through times of need when life bites, but we have all felt that overwhelming sensation when people come together to help you. Even when all they do is check in on you.

Reciprocate! That is how we can be “a good person”. If we can be overwhelmed by joy from someone sharing with us, than imagine the feeling of being on the opposite side of that. To be the one that makes someone feel overwhelmed. Help others cause you never know when you’ll need their help too.

Thank you my Committed Reader

-EB

 

Writers Block

Yesterday I experienced my first onset of writers block. Since starting this blog I have never had to deal with writers blog. I found it easy to go with my daily prompts and write something everyday.

I felt a crushing defeat yesterday when I could not think of a thing to write. I was so disappointed in myself. I thought the worst and almost had a panic attack, but I took a step back and decided at around 11:30pm that there was no reason to worry. I could crank out something quickly but I knew it wouldn’t be something I would be proud of.

I gave in and decided to give my brain a rest, It seems like exactly what I needed because I came back and here I am two post and three drafts later and it’s like I never missed a beat. Oh, and funny thing my site still gained new followers and more views and likes regardless of my absence.

So  if I learned anything yesterday is that sometimes creativity needs a day off. A moment to relax and reinvigorate it’s self. If you work seven days a week your bound to get fatigue and your work will suffer so if you wouldn’t do that at a job, why would you allow yourself to do it in your writing. You don’t want it to become a chore if it’s something you love doing.

So go play a game, go for a walk, hang with your friends, or read something interesting, you deserve it!

Till Next Time My Committed Reader

-EB

The Artifact

This was an early attempt for me to write a horror story from a phrase I heard people use a lot. I even used it with my girlfriends too. The structure is bad and it needs work but I am publishing it as a way to show how far I’ve come. I hope you enjoy.

The damp smell of dirt filled Jen’s nostrils. It was a smell that Jen enjoyed while standing on the porch with her dad before a storm. A smell that Jen knew would no longer have a pleasant memory, but would come with a sharp sting. That is if Jen ever made it out alive.
   The tape around Jen’s wrist was no longer gripping to her skin but it’s hold on itself was well cemented. Jen spun the tape around her wrists trying to feel for the edge but with no luck.
   She swore at times she could hear breathing but Jen had been unable to calm herself enough to be sure. The small strips of light under her blindfold didn’t help Jen with that, nor did it help her know where she was.
   She had tried her hardest not to fight the restraints around her ankles. Jen figured if she got out an injured ankle wouldn’t be helpful. So Jen just kept trying the tape around her wrists.
   
   The lasting thing Jen remembered is being at a party. Bobby Crider, was following her around at a distance. Bobby had always seemed weird to Jen, but this was weird even for Bobby. She dismissed this and continued to party with her friends.
   Mark Nathaniel, was among the group Jen was partying with. Mark was an athlete, he had just been announced valedictorian, was the state wrestling champion and seemed to never notice Jen. Tonight however was different. Mark had been bringing Jen drinks all night, he had talked to her a couple of times and when the party was winding down he made sure to take Bobby with him. Jen was on cloud 9 and nothing was going to bring her down.

   Jen had been concentrating when the hand touched her face. It was a soft stroke with the back of the hand, yet it startled Jen enough to cause her to almost fall backwards in the chair.
   “Who is there?” Jen asked. No one answered. “What do you want?” again silence. “Is it money? Are you going to have your way with me?” Jen realized that her questions where making her upset. Jen had so many possibilities running through her mind on why he wanted her.
   A loud crash followed by a few angry murmurs startled Jen again. The sound produced by the artifact reminded Jen of something but she couldn’t picture it. The murmurs seemed familiar. Jen wondered if this was someone she knew. Maybe this would be a way for her to talk them out of whatever it was they were planning. The only problem was, how would she figure out who it was?

After the party Jen and her friends decided to go hang out at the lake. James van Horn, Jen’s old boyfriend, tagged along. In Jen’s opinion there was a good reason he was an ex. James loved to smother Jen all the time. Jen had no escape from him. James would always write her love letters and buy her little things. It wasn’t that Jen hated the attention. She just felt like James was too obsessive about her. He bought her stuff even if it meant he wouldn’t have money to buy lunch. The thing that made it worse was when Jen would tell him that “he didn’t have to” James would automatically say “well if I had to do it, it wouldn’t be as fun”. All Jen could think now was “since he’s here this won’t be as fun”.

   Jen sat in silence wondering how long they had been watching her mess with the tape around her wrists. Jen needed to rethink her plan, now that she knew someone was in the room watching her.
   “Do I know you?” Jen asked. Yet again no-one answered. Jen didn’t want to annoy them to the point that they would do something. So she just sat there thinking. Not noticing that she had started subconsciously messing with the tape again.

Daniel kept his distance from Jen from the moment he got to the lake. Daniel hated Jen.  Daniel had planned to propose to Ashley after graduation He loved her in every form of the word. He was convinced that Jen had broken Ashley and him up. When he caught Jen talking to Ashley before they broke up. What Daniel didn’t know was that Jen was only returning the notes she borrowed from Ashley for biology. No matter how much everyone tried to explain the situation to Daniel. He still blamed Jen. Jen eventually accepted that Daniel needed someone to blame about the break up.  

It was at the lake that Jen would have what she would later find out was her last drink of the night.


   The hand touched her face again, this time continuing down Jen’s neck and stopping just short of her breast.

   “What do you want? Please just say anything.” Jen said. Still no respond. “You don’t have to do this.”

   “Huh.” The mysterious man said.

   “Huh? Why huh? Please talk to me.” It went silent again. “Please, you don’t have…” Jen was cut off this time by a mocking voice.

“to do this.” The voice continued. “Just shut your mouth.”

“Why did you bring me here?”

“You brought yourself here.”

“What?”

“You don’t know who I am? You still haven’t figured it out?”

“Just let me go!” Somehow the idea that Jen knew who it was made her feel, more fearful of the situation.

“Why don’t you make me?”

“You’re a coward!”

“If you say so.”

“Show me your face you stupid coward!”

“You’ve seen my face not my fault you can’t remember.”

“Show it to me!”

“Why don’t you take that blindfold off and look for yourself.” The voice said laughing.

“Please let me go.” Jen had stopped talking loud, she was now talking in a low calm voice.

“Why don’t you yell again sweetheart maybe yell for help.” The voice egged Jen on. “I like it when you get frantic.”

“No use, you didn’t gag me so I’m sure we are somewhere where no one will ever hear me.” Jen continued talking in a low voice.

“You are a smart girl aren’t you.”

 

“Wanna see my new outfit for the formal?” Samantha asked Jen.

“Sure, mine comes in Thursday I can’t wait.”

“Here it is, what do you think?”

“Wow, where did you find a dress like that?”

“My aunt lives in California, she works at a department store, my mom told her about the form and she asked for measurements and sent me this dress.”

“Your so lucky! My dress is casual wear compared to yours.” Jen said with a giggle.

“Nah I’m sure yours looks great. What time do you need to be-” Samantha was interrupted by a voice coming up the stairs.

“Sam you home?” Sam’s dad came into view in the doorway. “Oh, Jen I didn’t know you were here.”

“Guess what dad, Jen’s dress for the formal is coming in on Thursday!” Sam said.

“That’s great. I bet your excited! I know Sam won’t shut up about it.” He started to walk away and stopped. “Oh. Um, Jen will you be joining us for dinner?

“I- I wish I could Mister Logan but my mom wants me home so i can do my chores. Thank you though.” Jen replied.

“Okay have fun you two.”

    “You don’t do chores, what’s that about?” Sam asked.

    “Nothing I just need to be home early today.”

    “Jen, we have been friends since the 4th grade, homies since the fourth of course remember? I know when something is up.”

    “Nothing is up.”

    “Bull crap!”

 

    Jen had quit talking to the voice altogether.

“Now why are you being so quiet? Just cause we are out in the middle of nowhere doesn’t mean you have to quit being sociable.” Jen still didn’t respond. All Jen could think about was the sound the artifact made when it hit the ground. She knew that sound but from where?

“Can I have some water?” Jen asked.

“Oh, trust me you won’t need any water, you won’t be here long enough to die of dehydration.”

“Can we get whatever it is over with?”

“Well we can sure get started but i’m going to do this as slow as possible, going to enjoy it, savor it.”

“What are you going to do to me?”

“Hush up now.” There it was again. The clank of the artifact hitting the floor. Jen’s brain started running through a mental rolodex of objects to noises.

“Damn thing always falling.” The voice grumbled. The next thing that touched Jen was cold and flat, It touched her where the hand had stopped. She felt a hand grab her shirt collar at the the side of her neck. Then a rip sound. The same thing was done to the opposite side. It was a knife. The hands of the voice cut Jen’s shirts from collar to the end of the sleeves.

 

“Okay, I will see you tomorrow at school.” Sam Said as she walked Jen to the garage.

“Okay, you should come over Thursday and see my dress.”

“Oh you bet your sweet ass I will.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Love you too.” Sam said opening the door. If Jen ever told Sam why she didn’t like staying over with her and her single dad it would tear them apart there is no way Sam would believe that her dad had anything to do with that.

“Later.”Sam said as she walked back upstairs.”

“Jen, are you leaving so soon.?” Sam’s dad asked from the garage.

“Yes mister Logan.”

“Do you want me to give you a ride? I’m heading to the store.” He said fishing his keys from his pocket, when he finally pulled them out he snagged the knife he kept clipped to his pocket. It fell towards the ground.

“No, thank you mister Logan.” Jen ran, she never once looked back. She wished for the chance to be able to tell Sam without ruining their friendship. There wasn’t a way to though. She was alone. No one would believe her if she told them. God only knew what mister Logan would do to Jen if she told.

 

The next rip came from Jens undershirt.

“What are you doing?” Jen shouted.

“Now you hold still or I might slip and cut you on accident.” The voice said putting his knife up to Jen’s throat. Jen was almost sure the voice belong to mister Logan.

“I won’t tell. Please. If you let me go, I promise I won’t say a word.”

“Don’t care.” By this point Jen still had her pants and bra on.

“Please I won’t tell anyone what you did. Please.”

“I haven’t done anything yet.” Jen started to panic. fear was starting to take control.

“Stop! Let me go!” Jen started to thrash in the chair catching the chin of the voice with her head.

“Ahh, you stupid bitch! If you don’t quit being dumb Imma bust your teeth out first. So behave!”

“Just let me go! Mister Logan you don’t have to do this!” Now the voice started laughing hysterically. The hands grabbed the blindfold and pulled it up. Now the voice had a face an identity.

“If I had to do it, it wouldn’t be as fun.”

A Song of Life

She walked in and everyone saw her, except me I didn’t see her, I sensed her. I sensed her in the increased blood flow throughout my body. I sensed her when my heart rate quickened and I was in cadence with her. I Sensed her in my shallow breathing, in sync with her steps. We were in rhythm but I doubt she would ever know.

A girl like that would never notice me. Why would she? I was a nobody. A nobody that seemed to syncopate every time she came near. I could feel her presence, and if that was the effect she had on me just by coming close, I could imagine what would happen if she ever touched me. I would daydream about what would happen if she ever came in contact with me. It would be a symphonic event that would start with a crescendo and would be filled with accents and trills that would send us over the top. An unstoppable force of rhythmic passion filled with affrettando and devoto. It would be our greatest compositions!

If that was just a touch, imagine what holding her would entail or even still, what would happen if we ever kiss! A daydream that would overcome me for months!

I would dream of creating music with her for the rest of my life! It would be an awesome song of life!

via Daily Prompt: Song