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My World is changing,

rearranging,

as everything is fading,

no more values, just hating.

no more talking, just complaining

Hard work is cheap, no more straining

History likes to repeat,

and we don’t even see

we wont get to our feet

to busy trying to retweet

We could shatter like glass,

just like the past.

watch our lives pass,

wait for the crash.

if these days are the last,

then let’s have a blast!

Let our world be destroyed,

who gives a crap.

 

Dear Angela,

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Yesterday was Mothers Day, I went and spent some time with Liam. He fills me with an emotion that I can’t even begin to define. Love, pride, woe and happiness, all wrapped in one.

He is getting so big, and he is the happiest baby I have ever seen! I joked with Zack about how big his ears are (something that he got from you) they stick out so much. I’m afraid that he might just take off in the Oklahoma wind.

I’m glad that you did at least get to see him before the end, but I wish you could have held him at least once. You both deserved to have felt each other, even if for a moment. I promise that he will know how great of a mother you were and how much you wanted him in our lives.

I know that he will see a lot of you in his siblings and he will see the work you did to raise them, and care for them.

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Rose is growing up way to fast and I have to except that no matter how much I try I can’t stop her. She is the smartest 4-year-old ever. She just graduated from daycare, you would have been so proud of her! I can just picture the look on your face if you had seen her in her little cap and gown. I know that she learned a lot from you, you taught her so much and it amazes me how much like a sponge she is. I assure you though that she is still a little pain in the butt when it comes to pooping in the potty, I’m sure my sister can attest to that, she gives us both grief in that front. I know that she will grow up to be smart and devoted, just like you!

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Alicia had her spring concert recently and she did amazing! I know that she would have loved to be more involved with the band this year but given the circumstances, she did what she could. Not to sell her short she did really great and I am proud of her.
On that note, your shy reserved and timid daughter was also in a play. Yeah, Alicia acted in front of people! I would have never guessed she would be involved in drama, but here she is on the brink of becoming an actor.
She still writes and does art which she gets better at every day. I see a lot of you in her. I see your sense of wonder and curiosity in her, I see things that could never be taught but only inherited. She is your daughter inside (in spirit) and outside (her ears).

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Katie, whoo, where do I even start with Katie? She has your personality, I mean I don’t think that I could have handled two of you at the same time. Yet I would have willingly done it if I had been given the chance.
She always amazes me with her creativity, and her eagerness to learn new things (as long as it’s what she wants to learn). She has switched over to the academy from homeschooling and she is unstoppable! She is poised to graduate next year! She is blowing through classes like no other!
I see your determination and fighting zeal in her every day. I have no worries that Katie will grow up to become whatever she wants to be. She is independent and self-motivated and I know she will do great things with her life.

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Zack, well what can I say about your son? He is no longer that little boy with the girly voice, he is pretty much a man now. Although I will always see him as an indecisive teen. Don’t let that fool you he is growing up into a very capable and determined young man.
He just graduated from the Tech Center and is set to graduate from high school in a few days.
Funny thing about Zack he got your sense of humor, and your ability to find amusement in things that others would overlook. He owes a lot to you, even if he doesn’t see it all right now, he is slowly learning all things you tried to instill in him.

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Derp, yes Derp. He is still hanging in there, a little less masculine than before, but still as ornery as ever.

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It’s funny as I write this, I realize that you not only left behind memories, you left behind a puzzle. Each one of your kids is a piece of you. You made it to where your kids would have to stay together in order to see you again. I’ve seen it first-hand today!
We went out on Mothers Day and spent the whole day playing pool. I swear I have not seen those kids get along and smile so much in a long time. It felt like you were there with us, as Zack and Katie went back and forth trading quips and laughing. As Alicia concentrated, determined to sink the ball. Rose climbing over all the chairs and under the table. Putting chalk on our sticks and her face, helping all of us with our shots, giggling and smiling the whole time.
It has been tough this last year, learning to deal with everything and trying to bring balance into our lives.
We have never once set forth to learn to live without you, that just isn’t possible, what we have done is learned to live for you and with you. We carry your memory with us and uphold your virtues. We strive to learn from your teaching as well as your mistakes, in order to show everyone that you are among us no matter what.
To say you are missing out on what is happening in our lives is a lie, I know you are there the only thing you are missing out on is the physical.
I do my best to take care of the gifts you have left me. I do what I can and hope that it is enough, although it is sometimes tough by myself, it is in you that I find the strength and will to protect, love, and nurture these kids!C14E412D-FF7A-4588-ADBA-95B24BE2B6BD.png

I want you to know that we Love You, Miss You, and Always Remember You.

Your kids have written there own word to express how they feel and I have included them here.

Zack,

“I miss you so much Mom. I graduate in a week and even though you aren’t here I know you are watching over me and all of us. I know that you are proud of me everyday. I’m glad that you are my guardian angel because I always stop from doing stupid things and I always know it’s you protecting me. I love you always and forever”

Katie,

“Mom,
Not a day goes by where I don’t think about you. We all miss you so much and wish you were still here with us. But I know you’re watching over us, making sure we don’t make a mistake. Everyone is doing so many things that you would be so proud of. I would give anything just to have one more conversation with you just to tell you that I love you one last time. Happy Mother’s Day Mom.”

Alicia,

“Every day I miss you Mom. It always hurts. But every day, minute, and second, the pain slowly goes away. I’m reminded of you every day in small things. The random shivers I have, even the way a person laughs. And I smile. I miss you, but I know you never left for one second.
Happy Mother’s Day”

Music Is Life

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Music has a way to affect mood, emotion, and feelings in people in many different ways. Some people listen to music to get hype, others listen to it in order to put themselves in a mood, and still others listen to just enjoy it. Regardless of the reason everyone listens to music, even the deaf can feel the power of music through vibrations. Music affects everyone, we all have a favorite song or a list of song that become our go to in times of different emotion situation.

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Music is a universal thing, a song that your friends might make fun of you for enjoy, could in fact be a No. 1 hit in a country halfway around the world. We love to think that we are the ones who discovered that unheard of band, but the reality, which is actually pretty amazing, is that 100’s of 1000’s of people all found this band at the same time and there for in a weird way, all those people are connected through the universal language of music. For a minute those 100’s of 1000’s of people all feel the exact same feeling, over the idea that they were the first. That is why we get so upset when those secret gems become world wide hits. Because in a way we feel like we deserve credit or that they were there just for us.

Music has had many different influences in many lives. It’s been known to have curative properties, it’s been known to help stimulate different aspect of living organisms, music can even make our point of view skewed. Where would we be without music, and how would we ever make it through long car rides, showers, or get hyped in the gym without it?

musicSo here is the way I am going to end my monologue on music. I ask you my Committed Reader, what is your current jam? What song (or group of songs) do you currently play all the time right now? Share it with me, I would love to even here the story behind why that song/s mean so much to you! Who knows, I may find my new favorite song because of you.

 

My Inner Thoughts

I feel so much hate, I’m forever enraged. In a fight for my fate that I have to engage in day after day. Until I can’t sustain, keeping score on the slate. Losing mate after mate, my minds in a haze and my life is a maze. Nothing pertains but everything is the same and I can’t keep myself sane, I want to break the chains, but I cant, to weak I have no strength. No energy my mind is in a glaze. I want it but I can’t chase. I’m infinitely unsure of every damn thing. Maybe it’s in my DNA and when you unravel the strain you can physically see the pain. It’s become engrained and it’s deep in my veins, and it’s infected my brain. My thoughts contain things I’ve pushed away, troubles and struggles that would amaze. I struggle to feign the fact that I strain and I pretend that in my own mind I reign. I should hold all the blame for the things that pertain to my name. I take aim at a claim that is fake and should be reclaimed. So tie me up and light the flame, so I can be rid of this shame, and be done with this game.

The Enigma of Life

We all do it regardless of the reason.

Some people do it when nervous or just for fun.

Other do it when over joyed or stressed a ton.

Sometimes its short sometimes it long.

There are millions of reason for why it happens.

Sometimes we do it and end up clapping.

There are times when there’s just no stopping.

and we end up doing it till we’re sobbing.

When done in a group it might sound like hens.

It’s hard to fake and try to pretend.

It’s comforting, only when it’s genuine,

and better when shared among a group of friends.

It’s something that should be thought after.

Always thrilling and never lack luster.

This thing is hard to control and Master.

The thing I am talking about is Laughter!

via Daily Prompt: Laughter

Update

So I forgot to mention in my last post about something my four year old did. Which made me laugh.

There has been this random piece of trash on the stairs leading up to our floor. It has been there for almost the entirety of our occupancy thus far.

So my daughter likes to hold my hand as she makes her way up the stairs. Well the day in question I was in somewhat of a hurry and so I was rushing her along. She was moving pretty briskly for a toddler taking on stairs. I wasn’t paying to much attention to her cause she has climbed those stairs countless times before.

It wasn’t till we reached the trash on the stairs that I felt a jerk on my arm. It seems in an attempt to avoid stepping on this sticky piece of trash, my daughter chose to sacrifice herself to the dangers of falling. Putting all hope for her life on the precarious grip our hands shared. Luckily I had repositioned my grip moments before and managed to pull her 40 pound frame safely to the next step.

It was in that moment that I realized, my daughter was ready to die for her cause, no matter the outcome. I am not looking forward to her teenage years. This is going to be a hell of a ride!

Love is Blind

For the longest time I thought the old idiom “Love is blind” meant that you didn’t see imperfection in those you loved. It meant that you loved them for them, despite their looks, their race, or their flaws. That it would be vain to choose someone based on those merits because everyone deserved to be loved and that personality and attitude could overcome physical features.

Over the years I’ve learned that, that is not the case at all. My interpretation is not the true meaning of the idiom. After being in multiple relationships and seeing my friends in relationships, some good and some bad, for both, I’ve learned a few things.

Sometimes we want a relationship so bad that we overlook red flags, warning signs and friends advice. We see a perfect relationship without faults, in our mind everything is copasetic. We harmonize with our partner and things couldn’t be better. It’s not till it’s to late that we start to see how toxic the relationship is. We can finally lift the cull and see the duality of the relationship.

Our friends might try to intervene, in an attempt to help, but we ignore it, because we are blinded by love. An ailment that we can do nothing for, “just let it run it’s course”. Having been on both sides of this phenomena, I can attest to the pain felt from both sides. As the person in the relationship, it is usually to late before you realize that there was even a problem.

On the other side of the spectrum, as a friend having to watch it happen, you can’t help but almost mourn for your friend going through it. You wish they would heed your advice about the relationship. You would give anything for them to see that you are only trying to help. Sometimes they may see it as a selfish attempt, by you the friends, to take up their time.

Of course as friends we must learn to respect that we will not always get to spend time with those we love due to insurmountable circumstances. Be it work, school, love interests or scheduling. We must learn to enjoy and make the most of the limited amount of time we get together. Creating memories instead of rehashing conversations about past mistakes. In  friendships I find that sometimes we must let the past die before we people will prove that they have changed.

Abuse, manipulation, and irrational behavior are all signs of blind love. In certain situation a person can try to justify behavior that maybe illicit, unable to distinguished between right and wrong.

Blind love isn’t always a bad thing in some cases blind love can be beautiful. Being able to transcend race, age, handicap, and flaws, being the purest form of unconditional love. In these cases blind love is actually a beautiful thing. But learning to differentiate between the wrong and right kind of blind love can be difficult for most. To say that we have not all been blinded at one point would be a lie. So maybe we need to take a step back and agree to only step in when we feel our friends are the most vulnerable. On the flip side we should also agree to take a moment to consider where are friends are coming from, when they decide to confront us about our situation in a relationship.

Love, each other and except that we all make mistakes. We must be ready at any moment to help each other out and pick each other up! Friendship is something that we all need in our lives, to me friends where there before relationships and so they should be held in high regards when compared to the relationship.

As always, thank you my Committed Reader.

I hope you enjoyed this as much I as I enjoy writing it.

-EB

Levitate

It’s cloudy outside, no sun light insight!

But today I’m a reach new heights.

Anything is possible if I try.

And that’s my god given right.

I’m just gonna levitate

pass the clouds and feel the rays

of the sun upon my face

cause I want to celebrate

I’m a make it a perfect day.

And nothing can stop me at this rate!

I’m on a natural high,

this is a brand new vibe.

Today I’m all about the fight.

And I’m coming with so much might!

I’m a meditate, remove the rage

and clear the haze, evade the hate.

Cause today is gonna be a good day.