Three Little Words

Is it too early

Or am I too late

Should I hurry

Or maybe wait?

How will I know

Is there a sign

Will I get a note?

Is it almost time?

I think I’m ready

Is it now or never?

This is too scary

It feels like forever

I’m tired of waiting

Maybe I’ll say it

There’s no abating

Okay forget it

I’m too nervous

But I’m also excited

My mind is a circus

I’m a little frightened

It’s really very simple

But timing is key

It’s also difficult

But it will set me free

I hold my breath

I’m waiting for the moment

Here is my chance

I hope I don’t blow it.

Ready or not it’s coming

My heart is beating fast

I feel like I’m running

I want this to last

So I say this here

And I say it loud

I want you to hear

That I am proud

I mean this in every way

And I promise it’s true

So believe me when I say

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Butterflies!

One kiss on the lips and away I slip.

My heart beat quickens and I lose grip.

We dance into a crowd and we are lost.

In an instant we forget, and now it’s just us.

An embrace that pushes everything away!

No fears or worries. no knowledge of pain.

We become one in a sea of many.

And for a moment that is plenty.

We come back to a reality that is now less gloomy.

A reality with new colors, life and beauty.

And when I reminisce about that night.

It feels as if butterflies are taking flight.

My body fills with a sense of euphoria.

So strong that I can feel it begin to gnaw.

The only thing that can make it subside.

Is know that you will come back to my side.

 

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My World is changing,

rearranging,

as everything is fading,

no more values, just hating.

no more talking, just complaining

Hard work is cheap, no more straining

History likes to repeat,

and we don’t even see

we wont get to our feet

to busy trying to retweet

We could shatter like glass,

just like the past.

watch our lives pass,

wait for the crash.

if these days are the last,

then let’s have a blast!

Let our world be destroyed,

who gives a crap.

 

Dear Angela,

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Yesterday was Mothers Day, I went and spent some time with Liam. He fills me with an emotion that I can’t even begin to define. Love, pride, woe and happiness, all wrapped in one.

He is getting so big, and he is the happiest baby I have ever seen! I joked with Zack about how big his ears are (something that he got from you) they stick out so much. I’m afraid that he might just take off in the Oklahoma wind.

I’m glad that you did at least get to see him before the end, but I wish you could have held him at least once. You both deserved to have felt each other, even if for a moment. I promise that he will know how great of a mother you were and how much you wanted him in our lives.

I know that he will see a lot of you in his siblings and he will see the work you did to raise them, and care for them.

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Rose is growing up way to fast and I have to except that no matter how much I try I can’t stop her. She is the smartest 4-year-old ever. She just graduated from daycare, you would have been so proud of her! I can just picture the look on your face if you had seen her in her little cap and gown. I know that she learned a lot from you, you taught her so much and it amazes me how much like a sponge she is. I assure you though that she is still a little pain in the butt when it comes to pooping in the potty, I’m sure my sister can attest to that, she gives us both grief in that front. I know that she will grow up to be smart and devoted, just like you!

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Alicia had her spring concert recently and she did amazing! I know that she would have loved to be more involved with the band this year but given the circumstances, she did what she could. Not to sell her short she did really great and I am proud of her.
On that note, your shy reserved and timid daughter was also in a play. Yeah, Alicia acted in front of people! I would have never guessed she would be involved in drama, but here she is on the brink of becoming an actor.
She still writes and does art which she gets better at every day. I see a lot of you in her. I see your sense of wonder and curiosity in her, I see things that could never be taught but only inherited. She is your daughter inside (in spirit) and outside (her ears).

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Katie, whoo, where do I even start with Katie? She has your personality, I mean I don’t think that I could have handled two of you at the same time. Yet I would have willingly done it if I had been given the chance.
She always amazes me with her creativity, and her eagerness to learn new things (as long as it’s what she wants to learn). She has switched over to the academy from homeschooling and she is unstoppable! She is poised to graduate next year! She is blowing through classes like no other!
I see your determination and fighting zeal in her every day. I have no worries that Katie will grow up to become whatever she wants to be. She is independent and self-motivated and I know she will do great things with her life.

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Zack, well what can I say about your son? He is no longer that little boy with the girly voice, he is pretty much a man now. Although I will always see him as an indecisive teen. Don’t let that fool you he is growing up into a very capable and determined young man.
He just graduated from the Tech Center and is set to graduate from high school in a few days.
Funny thing about Zack he got your sense of humor, and your ability to find amusement in things that others would overlook. He owes a lot to you, even if he doesn’t see it all right now, he is slowly learning all things you tried to instill in him.

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Derp, yes Derp. He is still hanging in there, a little less masculine than before, but still as ornery as ever.

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It’s funny as I write this, I realize that you not only left behind memories, you left behind a puzzle. Each one of your kids is a piece of you. You made it to where your kids would have to stay together in order to see you again. I’ve seen it first-hand today!
We went out on Mothers Day and spent the whole day playing pool. I swear I have not seen those kids get along and smile so much in a long time. It felt like you were there with us, as Zack and Katie went back and forth trading quips and laughing. As Alicia concentrated, determined to sink the ball. Rose climbing over all the chairs and under the table. Putting chalk on our sticks and her face, helping all of us with our shots, giggling and smiling the whole time.
It has been tough this last year, learning to deal with everything and trying to bring balance into our lives.
We have never once set forth to learn to live without you, that just isn’t possible, what we have done is learned to live for you and with you. We carry your memory with us and uphold your virtues. We strive to learn from your teaching as well as your mistakes, in order to show everyone that you are among us no matter what.
To say you are missing out on what is happening in our lives is a lie, I know you are there the only thing you are missing out on is the physical.
I do my best to take care of the gifts you have left me. I do what I can and hope that it is enough, although it is sometimes tough by myself, it is in you that I find the strength and will to protect, love, and nurture these kids!C14E412D-FF7A-4588-ADBA-95B24BE2B6BD.png

I want you to know that we Love You, Miss You, and Always Remember You.

Your kids have written there own word to express how they feel and I have included them here.

Zack,

“I miss you so much Mom. I graduate in a week and even though you aren’t here I know you are watching over me and all of us. I know that you are proud of me everyday. I’m glad that you are my guardian angel because I always stop from doing stupid things and I always know it’s you protecting me. I love you always and forever”

Katie,

“Mom,
Not a day goes by where I don’t think about you. We all miss you so much and wish you were still here with us. But I know you’re watching over us, making sure we don’t make a mistake. Everyone is doing so many things that you would be so proud of. I would give anything just to have one more conversation with you just to tell you that I love you one last time. Happy Mother’s Day Mom.”

Alicia,

“Every day I miss you Mom. It always hurts. But every day, minute, and second, the pain slowly goes away. I’m reminded of you every day in small things. The random shivers I have, even the way a person laughs. And I smile. I miss you, but I know you never left for one second.
Happy Mother’s Day”

Day 33-37

What more can I say about apartment life? They are becoming few and far between but that’s just because we are finally comfortable. The neighbors still sound like they have cement shoes on their feet. I wish they would go take a swim. The weed smell has gotten to the point where the next time it happens the cops will be called to deal with it.

If you wanna smoke weed and get away with it, maybe you shouldn’t draw attention to yourself with all the noise. Of course, that’s just my opinion.

I have taken over the kitchen table as my office. Katie tries to act important and sit at the table with her laptop. Like she is doing anything.

We still need some furniture like end tables and bookshelves but other than that we have all the necessities.

As much as I wanted to say that everything has settled and there really is no major problems. I can’t. The A.C. that they supposedly fixed last week is not cooling anything. so as much as I love to wake up with my face stuck to the pillow I would rather not. My four year old has woken up multiple times in the night crying because she is hot.

This is what I will focus on, sucks for them that rent is due and I still haven’t paid. They have at least a week to fix it.

Muted Emotions

I put pen to pad and text to page.

But no matter what I say.

I can’t find the words to explain.

All the emotions, feelings, and rage!

Word after word and phrase after phrase.

It’s driving me crazy I’m going insane!

I write letters that become words

words that make sentences, to form a verse.

Yet the more I elaborate the more the meaning blurs.

I try and try but the more I write,

the more the meaning dies.

The explanation in my mind,

becomes outta reach and outta sight

You deserve an explanation,

And even with all my concentration

It’s on the tip of my tongue, like a flirtation.

An elaboration full of frustration.

I wish I could explain, the thoughts in my brain

Bound and chained, locked up and contained

A feeling that wont wane, my writing is in vain

I’m no longer sane, thanks to all of this strain.

How do I do it, how do I get through it?

My speech, writing and movements aren’t fluid.

I feel stupid, I guess I’m just not fluent.

In the language of emotion, I’m clueless.

And I can’t refute it, for now I must remain muted.

via Daily Prompt: Elaborate

Writers Block

Yesterday I experienced my first onset of writers block. Since starting this blog I have never had to deal with writers blog. I found it easy to go with my daily prompts and write something everyday.

I felt a crushing defeat yesterday when I could not think of a thing to write. I was so disappointed in myself. I thought the worst and almost had a panic attack, but I took a step back and decided at around 11:30pm that there was no reason to worry. I could crank out something quickly but I knew it wouldn’t be something I would be proud of.

I gave in and decided to give my brain a rest, It seems like exactly what I needed because I came back and here I am two post and three drafts later and it’s like I never missed a beat. Oh, and funny thing my site still gained new followers and more views and likes regardless of my absence.

So  if I learned anything yesterday is that sometimes creativity needs a day off. A moment to relax and reinvigorate it’s self. If you work seven days a week your bound to get fatigue and your work will suffer so if you wouldn’t do that at a job, why would you allow yourself to do it in your writing. You don’t want it to become a chore if it’s something you love doing.

So go play a game, go for a walk, hang with your friends, or read something interesting, you deserve it!

Till Next Time My Committed Reader

-EB

Day Twenty-two

The city is cover in ash and smoke from the wildfires. It looks ominous.

I had a nightmare last night that we moved into another house and finally settled down only to have another fire break out.

At least my neighbors are being very helpful by filling my apartment with the smell of weed.

Dag nabit! I hope this comes to an end soon!

 

Day Twenty-one

Today I learned that my toddler does not like me having the door to my room locked. Which sucks cause my oldest likes to just bust into my room.

Who does she think I am the head of the household or something?

I just need some dressers and shelves and I will have everything put away! This apartment is finally feeling like a home!

I have teenagers so it’s not exactly peaceful but it is a home!

Day Twenty

Yep that’s right we have made it twenty whole days! It’s had it ups and downs. Never mind that that’s just me using the stairs! I feel like by the time I really start to consider this place home we will finally be saying goodbye to this place.

One day at a time I guess.

Also the smell of Marijuana is back. I almost started to miss it! (I’m sure the eye roll I did while typing that has damaged my optic nerves)

It’s the little victories I guess.